So Long, Insecurity

Though my room is still a mess of balled up clothing, poorly-balanced piles of papers and books, random empty plastic bags on the floor and my father's empty coke bottles on the desk, tonight my room feels like a safe and relaxing place. I set up some lamps on either side of my bed so I don't have to have the harsh ceiling light on. I have been listening to a mix of yoga music and Mozart. Granted, I feel my stress level rise as I look at the disorganization around me, but sitting up in my bed, I am in a cozy haven.

Tonight, I started reading Beth Moore's latest book, "So Long, Insecurity. You're been a bad friend to us." I have been waiting for this with great anticipation! I am participating in her online study blog. Over 6,000 women are journeying through their battle with insecurity together. It's definitely the biggest study group that I have ever been apart of. lol

As I am making posts each week, I thought that I would copy them here and expand on them.

Chapter One: Mad Enough to Change

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

The first chapter has struck hard in more than one area. My struggle with insecurities/boundaries has invaded many facets of my life, but the hardest blow has wounded my relationships with men; or as it has been pointed out in Chapter 1, my expectations of men.

One particular relationship came strongly to my mind as I read. I have been torn between drowning myself in blame or poisoning my view of men by thinking “once more, they are all the same.” I am willing to accept that there are equal portions from both options (it wasn’t a healthy relationship), but sitting down and facing what I did wrong is very uncomfortable. I unloaded a lot of my insecurity on him. I wanted him to undo past wrongs and give me the hope I needed to survive. I think that God removed me from that relationship because I needed to trust Him instead. Truthfully, I felt as though a steel veil had been lifted the day of the break up. I could see God in a way I had not experienced for probably 10 years.

Chapter 2: Insecure Enough to Matter

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

Some quotes

“I don’t just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself.” P. 18

“Insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. That’s where it becomes an art form.” P. 19

Beth gave us a definition of insecurity cited from Joseph Nowinski's "The Tender Heart: Conquering Your Insecurity." The second part of the definition hit me quite hard. I think that I do set myself up with completely unreasonable expectations. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that it is connected to my depression. I am a perfectionist and I cannot abide falling short. Last night, my friend Sonja described herself as having once looked to others opinion of her to rate her own self-worth. I thought to myself, I am glad that is not me. Now having finished chapter two, I realize that it is most certainly me!! Every day, I wake up with unreasonable expectations. Usually I feel like a failure by the time I am walking out the door to face my day. Today was my first day to relax after a busy week of commitments. I was beating myself up that I hadn’t done more work, studying or cleaning. I had to do some self-talk to realize that I deserved an easy day with little in it. There was nothing wrong with having some down time.

The ground work has been laid for me to come to terms with the insecurities still lurking in the deep waters of my soul. I have my eyes set on the goal: God transform me into a secure woman in Him.

I think that this book is well worth the read, and it is not too late to join the blog.