Ladies, Wash His Feet

In the last few weeks, many different people, sights and readings have inspired me; my mind is bursting! God has given me several special moments here in New Hamburg. I see His thumbprint on each and every one. I find my new town so delightfully peaceful. Kevin and I love going down by the river to sit, eat, talk or stroll along the bank. We have had our “morning church services” there a few times now. I bring a devotional to read and Kevin brings his passion for God’s grace. I will sit composed reading out loud with emphasis and Kevin will throw his head back and say, “Thank you, Jesus!”

We have had great times by the Nith River; eventually, I will write them all down. There is one in particular that touches on the topic of marital harmony. Now don’t think I am about to spill juicy gossip! It’s uncomfortable owning up to times of contention with your spouse, but as Jesus said, “Cast the first stone.” In one sentence, He silenced the people who like to accuse and judge and encouraged those who struggle in silence. You are not alone. You are not the first person to find yourself here and unfortunately you will not be the last. I do not care how many books, videos, premarital counseling sessions you submit yourself to, you will not understand how real life differentiates from the fictional tales of wedded bliss. It is not that marriage is a drag or unpleasant, far from it! But the still pictures we have admired in our minds during singlehood are very superficial.

Our anniversary was special. Kevin wished me a happy anniversary several times throughout the day. Our smiles shone brighter and we held onto each other tighter. We did not celebrate in what has become the traditional way. We didn’t spend money on each other, no gifts and no accessories. We didn’t go out for dinner; in fact, we took leftovers to Kevin’s parent’s house. Lol. Why? Because when you are newlyweds who are trying to be cautious with money and who don’t believe in needlessly going into debt, you don’t have the option of being elaborate. I didn’t lament it much. I wouldn’t have minded eating out, but it was cozy cooking dinner for my husband. Basically, it was a special-ordinary day that ended with us at the river at night with me in tears.

I am happy (and perhaps a bit proud) that although I remember the events of some of our fights, I never remember what started them. I say that as someone with an impeccable memory, so I take it as a good sign that we are successfully fumbling our way through effective communication and conflict resolution. Tense situations are prime for revealing your confrontation style; ours are completely opposite. I grew up with yelling (sorry Mom and Dad). We yelled and brought it all out in the open in our family and my dad’s family. I can’t comment on Kevin’s family because I don’t know, but I can say that he has a more distant approach and would rather avoid it at all cost. Me…confrontation doesn’t bother me as much. As I said, that is how we communicated with each other especially in the years leading up to my parent’s separation. Kevin and I are two different people who have become one and we need to find our harmony in all areas of our marital life (not just the easy ones!). How do we do it? Through trial and error. With me crying by the river with Kevin’s hand on my shoulder as we brainstorm tips to help us understand each other’s coping strategies. Since we got married, we have been the beneficiaries of God’s continual blessing. We have also been under continual stress. In that type of pressure cooker, it is very easy to set each other off if we don’t understand how the other person handles their stress. Here are three things that work for us:

1.    Don’t get caught in the Blame Game; it’s quick sand. Drag yourself out of there and talk.

2.   Ask questions.

a.    Do you understand what I mean when…?

b.    Were you quiet because of this…or that…?

c.    Help me understand why that made you angry?

d.    How can I let you know next time that I just need my space?

e.    What should I do to comfort you when you are emotional?

3.   If you can catch your breath and haul-butt out of the boxing ring long enough, stop and let the Spirit lead you. Pray that Jesus will guide you beyond the fight.

I have an example for number three. Back in May, I was at the beginning of the last pregnancy and I had missed my anti-Ds for a few days. My hormones were off the charts. I am not going into the irrelevant details except to say that I ended up staying in the car when we got home from an outing and let Kevin go inside by himself. My ego was hot to trot. I was not going inside until he either came and got me or called me on my cell. Interestingly, we ended up texting for fifteen minutes. It sounds ridiculous but it was productive in that it made us think before we spoke. Yet in those fifteen minutes, he didn’t ask me when or if I was coming up. He was calling my bluff. If you want an image of how stubborn I am, picture me sitting in a car with the windows rolled up during a heat wave, arms crossed, refusing to budge!

As I was digging my heels in, I felt the Spirit nudging me. Go inside. Pffft. As far as I was concerned this was a stand off. Sarah, you need to go inside where your husband is. I knew this was the Lord, so I gave in and went inside. I was trying to rehearse something nice to say. We exchanged some tense words and I could feel the urge to pick up where we left off. I went into the bathroom, took a few deep breaths, patted cold water on my eyes and went back out there. Go sit beside him. It would have been one thing if Kevin had been sitting on the sofa, but he was in the recliner, which meant I would have to sit on the floor. I didn’t move. Go sit beside him. I relented and sat on the floor. Kevin asked me to join him in the chair instead. I don’t remember what we said as we sat there, probably nothing at all. Then it happened. Wash his feet. No way! Must be something from a sermon I heard recently. That’s not actually what God’s asking me to do. Sarah, go fill up the basin with soap and water, then wash your husband’s feet. As an aside, readers, you have no idea how bad his feet smell! My Mom bought Norwex shoe deodorizer for me to use, it’s that bad! I did it, though. And as I filled the basin with cold water, I felt a peace come over me. I was convicted that this was the right thing to do. I remained silent. I spread out the towel for underneath the basin. He protested and held his leg back when he realized what I was going to do. Without looking him in the face, I shook my head and pulled his foot harder and lowered it into the water. New tears fell from my eyes as I dried one foot off and reached for the other.

Feminists keep your bras on! I did this on my own; I didn’t have to. Nor did I feel debased in the process. We were at a stale mate and emotionally exhausted. It was time to take the boxing gloves off and show Kevin that he is not my sparring partner, but my husband. God showed me how with a gift of love. The Holy Spirit had humbled me from a woman fuming in a car waiting for a fight to a wife washing her husband’s feet.

Once both feet were dry, lip quivering, I lowered my face to kiss his feet. “No,” Kevin grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up. “The only feet you kiss are Jesus’. I’m not worthy of that! Now you sit and I will wash your feet.” It was my turn to protest, but he insisted. So my knight in shining, Krown-rust-proofed armor got down on his knees for a second time and washed my feet. I felt another nudging, this is how you should resolve your disputes. When he was done, we held each other. I was sobbing. I apologized and told him I loved him over and over. When I leaned back to look in Kevin’s face, I saw that he was also crying. The conversation that followed was very precious and I am keeping it between us.

As time goes by, I witness proof that we understand each other better. Marriage is less about the “date nights” and trinkets, and more about bonding closer together against the storms in life. Blessings and favour await us because God is generous! I wrote this out as a reminder to myself. I think it may be time for us to wash each other’s feet again.

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My Latest Life Lesson

Oh what a day. There is so much that I have to learn. My human nature thrives on believing that I have it figured it out and under control. The human nature thrives, but in turn the spirit suffers. There is so much I want to share with the faith that I cannot be the only woman who falls prey to lies. There are times that require discretion, though. I realize that our culture operates on everything being out in the open. Facebook is a virtual clothesline that displays dirty laundry for an unlimited number of passers-by. I see no virtue in this practice.

Suffice to say, God is revealing to me His beautiful vision for His grown-up daughters whom He loves so dearly. Lately, I have been grumbling to God about hormones. At this point, men may scratch their heads, or roll their eyes, or hold on to the edges of their laptop to stave off the on-coming sermon. Women are nodding their head, tearing in their eyes because they relate instantaneously and are raising their hands to encourage the preaching! But brothers, before you click to close the tab or type something else in the Google window, bear with my blog a little longer.

I have come to the conclusion that the chemistry of hormones is from God’s skillful and masterly hand because it is the fuel that helps the female body function in fantastic and mysterious ways. The crazy mood swings and excuses that come as a by-product of said hormones have to be straight from the sneering smug kisser of the devil himself because it creates nothing but chaos, conflict and sorrow. 

I am no science major, so I couldn't begin to describe the amazing way a woman's body works and how necessary those hormones are to not just to maintain life in a balanced state, but also to create and maintain the development of a life itself. For those who are willing to study and learn, a woman's body (not her exterior) but her mechanics are a work of art and the function of hormones are key to the whole masterpiece. I am not going to deviate onto an anti-Darwinistic jaunt, but I will say that whenever I consider science, particularly human biology, it points to an amazing creator, a genius mind, a supreme force that omits not one single detail.

Generally, the word "hormones" is a dirty two-syllable word that is associated with the most unattractive side a woman could ever reveal. We immediately think of a women behaving irrationally or viciously, even. We think of scary witches, chomping on ineffective prozac and men cowering or pulling their hair out by the roots because they have no idea how to slay the dragon that has been unleashed from within otherwise happy loving creatures. I'm not going to lie: I have had episodes that leave me feeling like a completely different person. I do not recognize the shrill voice, the sobbing gasps or cruel words coming out of me. I think, "What is this? and how has it twisted me into this unrecognizable person?" I know that I am not alone in this, that is why I am honest enough to own up to the behaviour and, though it KILLS me to confess, occasionally using the "H" word to justify it. 

Do you know the definition of "wicked"? No, I haven't changed the subject. The English word "wicked" originated from the old Anglo-Saxon word wiker (or "wicker" in the present-day spelling) which meant to twist i.e. a candle "wick" is called that because it is twisted  Something happens to us. Poisonous thoughts laced with paranoia dissolve into our conscious minds convincing us to believe a warped perception of a situation and convicting us of being no good. Something gets twisted in our thinking and in our reactions and that "twist" is wicked. It must be one of satan's favourite ways to create division and conflict in our relationships. 

I realize I am opening myself up for a lot "knowledgeable" people to argue with me that this, in fact, has nothing to do with the spiritual, but is scientific and it is just something we need to accept or prescribe against. I am not arguing the physical and the biological. I wouldn't dare because it is the handiwork of God, but I am going to be bold enough to say that, as a woman, when you see yourself spiraling out of control and you see that panic in the non-hormonal-person's face, I think that the evil one is messing with us and that we can fight it with the power of Jesus Christ.

The following is a passage that I used to have pinned up on my bedroom wall (and I think I may reinstating it soon). 

 "We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

When I am having a melt down, I turn on myself like a vicious cat having a bad day. I convict myself of being "no good," "failing," and "not worth the bother." I do not merely hurt myself with such unfounded accusations, but I hurt those around me who love me. My head fills with lies and in a weakened state, I swallow the lies whole and fall apart. But what if I were to stop, call the thoughts lies from the devil and call on Christ to capture these "rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey" Him. As Paul says, these thoughts are unworldly weapons that satan uses as an "obstacle that keeps [us] from knowing God." We are daughters of God, brides of Christ, loved with an everlasting love and are eligible to enter into a covenant that will keep us inseparable from God from now and all through eternity. This is the truth; this is the answer to fear that overwhelms us at times of PMS, pregnancy, menopause, depression, chemical imbalance and the list goes on.

I'm not Tom Cruise. I am not about to call psychiatry a quack's profession and tel people with mental illness to abandon medication or say that mood swings are not part of our reality and we can control it with our mind. Yes, I am speaking contrary to scientology and new age beliefs and if you don't like it, sit on it. I am saying that when we are hit by hormones, by tidal waves of emotions that came out of nowhere like a tsunami after an earth quake, we can turn to God in these times as well. There is nothing that He cannot help us overcome.  

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2 Sisters, turn to God in your time of distress and call on Christ to disarm those weapons of deceit that are besieging you. And brothers, if you are in anyway God-fearing, fight for your woman with prayers against the devil and call upon the Lord to protect her mind and heart. Support her with love, and for Pete's sake, don't try to fix it, Tim Taylor! Call on the Lord to rescue and defend His daughters. It is not God's will for hormones to oppress a woman, marriage or family a minute longer. That is a truth that I am going to carry with me for each day left in my naturally born-female-existence. Can I get an "Amen"?!

So Long, Insecurity

Though my room is still a mess of balled up clothing, poorly-balanced piles of papers and books, random empty plastic bags on the floor and my father's empty coke bottles on the desk, tonight my room feels like a safe and relaxing place. I set up some lamps on either side of my bed so I don't have to have the harsh ceiling light on. I have been listening to a mix of yoga music and Mozart. Granted, I feel my stress level rise as I look at the disorganization around me, but sitting up in my bed, I am in a cozy haven.

Tonight, I started reading Beth Moore's latest book, "So Long, Insecurity. You're been a bad friend to us." I have been waiting for this with great anticipation! I am participating in her online study blog. Over 6,000 women are journeying through their battle with insecurity together. It's definitely the biggest study group that I have ever been apart of. lol

As I am making posts each week, I thought that I would copy them here and expand on them.

Chapter One: Mad Enough to Change

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

The first chapter has struck hard in more than one area. My struggle with insecurities/boundaries has invaded many facets of my life, but the hardest blow has wounded my relationships with men; or as it has been pointed out in Chapter 1, my expectations of men.

One particular relationship came strongly to my mind as I read. I have been torn between drowning myself in blame or poisoning my view of men by thinking “once more, they are all the same.” I am willing to accept that there are equal portions from both options (it wasn’t a healthy relationship), but sitting down and facing what I did wrong is very uncomfortable. I unloaded a lot of my insecurity on him. I wanted him to undo past wrongs and give me the hope I needed to survive. I think that God removed me from that relationship because I needed to trust Him instead. Truthfully, I felt as though a steel veil had been lifted the day of the break up. I could see God in a way I had not experienced for probably 10 years.

Chapter 2: Insecure Enough to Matter

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

Some quotes

“I don’t just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself.” P. 18

“Insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. That’s where it becomes an art form.” P. 19

Beth gave us a definition of insecurity cited from Joseph Nowinski's "The Tender Heart: Conquering Your Insecurity." The second part of the definition hit me quite hard. I think that I do set myself up with completely unreasonable expectations. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that it is connected to my depression. I am a perfectionist and I cannot abide falling short. Last night, my friend Sonja described herself as having once looked to others opinion of her to rate her own self-worth. I thought to myself, I am glad that is not me. Now having finished chapter two, I realize that it is most certainly me!! Every day, I wake up with unreasonable expectations. Usually I feel like a failure by the time I am walking out the door to face my day. Today was my first day to relax after a busy week of commitments. I was beating myself up that I hadn’t done more work, studying or cleaning. I had to do some self-talk to realize that I deserved an easy day with little in it. There was nothing wrong with having some down time.

The ground work has been laid for me to come to terms with the insecurities still lurking in the deep waters of my soul. I have my eyes set on the goal: God transform me into a secure woman in Him.

I think that this book is well worth the read, and it is not too late to join the blog.