A Woman's Right to a Journey

I have been reading “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am a born-again Christian. Not only do I believe in a higher power—an almighty God—I believe in his son Jesus Christ. The way I see it, God is not only the power of the universe, He has an identity, a heart, and a spirit with whom mankind can have a relationship. The existence, holiness and divinity of Jesus is where my difference of opinion with this publicly esteemed author begin and end.

That being explained, I drew a likeness between Gilbert and myself in her search for the understanding of self, the development of intimacy with God and the establishment of balance in her life. On the big screen, I watched Julia Roberts portray her desperate hunger for fulfillment. Not only did I identify with it, I knew that yearning personally. “How perfect it would be,” I thought to myself, “to leave routine life and depart on a pilgrimage across the globe seeking nourishment for the soul.” I know how to eat and enjoy food. If I had a choice, I would rather do it in Europe than Canada. Certainly, I would like to retrain myself in the art of experiencing pleasure (and I’m not referring to food and sex). God endowed me with many interests and aptitudes. I have abandoned so many of my favourite pursuits. I would welcome an opportunity to reconnect with them again. I could spend time every day envisioning myself in front of the Throne of God and fellowship in His presence. And as for love? I want love. I crave being loved, in fact; that’s the problem. Perhaps after a tutorial on enjoying my gifts in this life and growing closer to my heavenly Father, I would be ready to embark in a romantic-loving relationship with a man. As ideal as that sounds, my chest tightens with trepidation at the prospect. Despite our few theological differences, I wanted the same opportunity that Elizabeth Gilbert had been given.

Now, do I want to gain weight in Italy, convert to Hinduism in India and have premarital snogs in Bali? No, but in this case, I really don’t think that is the point. I am a conservative Christian with the life-term goal of being as non-judgmental as Jesus was during His time on earth. He said, “I have come not to condemn the world, but to save it.” Christians can do a lousy job at imitating Christ in this particular department. We are too quick to rise up arms in the name of moral values versus moral depravity. We condemn “non-believers” for not living up to our standards. This tactic is as warranted as belittling a vegetarian for not eating meat or dairy. Why should they? They don’t believe in eating those foods. Granted, vegetarians chastise everyone else who does consume animal meat or dairy products, but we [carnivores] ignore them because their belief system is not our belief system. People who are deemed legally mentally incompetent are not held accountable for their crimes in the same way that any other defendant would be. This is something our society has learned to accept. I am a monotheist who worships only one spirit, the Holy Spirit, and I have committed to keeping sex for marriage. Do I hold people of different value systems accountable to those of my own? No. Why? Because I am not God. God founded the laws to live by for His creation millennia ago and one day He will hold mankind up to His divine moral yardstick, but it is His right to judge, not mine or anybody else’s. If it had been my finger that forged the Ten Commandments onto stone tablets on Mount Sinai, then it would be my right. But as the book of Exodus does not document “Sarah saying thus to Moses,” my only responsibility to my fellow humans is to not judge as so I will be judged. This principle applies to all the followers of Christ.

I mounted this soap box to clarify to any future reader that I have chosen to lay down any unholy weapons of pride, false piety, judgment and moral superiority by not focusing solely on how Elizabeth Gilbert blazed her trail, but why she embarked on it in the first place. Her story puts me in mind of “The Sacred Romance” by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge. Every Christian, nay, human being has felt a stirring in their soul that “there must be something more.” The essence of Gilbert’s mission is a thirst for more of God. This strikes at the very heart of the Christian faith! God wants us to pursue a relationship with Him. When He created Adam and Eve, He gave them free will. He did not fashion robots out of Eden’s dust that would instinctively follow His pleasing and perfect will. God granted us with the freedom of choice. On the other hand, you could say that He did implant a “chip” in the core of our being; a homing device, if you will, that calls the fallen sons and daughters of man back to their heavenly Father. But, though we may all feel the “longing,” we still have to choose to reunite with Him.

It is now twenty-three years ago since I accepted the Spirit of Adoption becoming a daughter of God and yet I still feel that there must be something more! I have tripped, fallen and strayed from the path many times since then, too, and these incidents are more than I can count, but through Jesus’ strength, I have been able to keep moving forward. I have made significant pilgrim’s progress in my life, but my journey is SO far from over! Jesus removed the distance between God and man the day He died and the curtain was torn, but so nearer to the heart of God I need to be.

This is why everyone who has decided to follow Jesus should desire a similar pilgrimage. Our spiritual health is more important than anything else in this world, and we all are in need of a sabbatical from our chaotic-lives at some point before we die. I do not recall when or how I petitioned God, but at some point after seeing the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”, I prayed that I could be blessed with the same opportunity to know myself and know God. In a very unexpected way, this prayer was answered. I am coming to the end of the fourth month in my journey and it is time to evaluate the distance I’ve covered, compare my “enlightenments” with the words of the author herself, and regroup with some Christian resources to help me on the course awaiting me.

Please allow me one more segue before I finish! I was beyond encouraged when I discovered that God also inspired another godly woman whom I greatly admire. One night while scrolling through the “Living Proof” website, I spotted a familiar title: “Eat, Pray, Love.” Only this was a lecture on “One Woman's Search for Everything Across Israel, Egypt and Exile”, inspired by the writings of the prophet Jeremiah and presented by my favourite Beth Moore. I make a conscious effort not to idolize Beth because she is no more perfect and immortal than I am! She has been obedient to the Spirit, though, and God has blessed so many other imperfect and mortal women through her. What a special confirmation from the LORD that He understood the desire of my heart and was honouring my resolve to be true to my faith. There is no eloquent way of concluding this monologue except to say that I am so excited to learn and discover God’s truth for His people. May the next chapter of my journey begin!

Oh to have Liz Taylor's Beauty, Oprah's Money, and Pam Beasley's Husband (Gotta Love that Jim Halpert!!)

I mentioned in a previous post that I am reading “So Long, Insecurity” by Beth Moore. From the moment I read the title, I felt that this would be a great book for me to read. I have been burdened with insecurities most of my life. Of course we live in this society with an “immediate gratification” philosophy. I will read some chapters, feel inspired and the pounds of insecurity will just melt away. Sounds good, no? It does, but it is not at all reasonable. No, I have to dig deep. I actually have to face the facets of myself that frustrate me, haunt me, shame me and outrage me.

I don’t think that there is a single person out there that wants to be a slave to irrational fears. No woman aspires to being hysterical 100% of the time. We resent it when we see it in other people and, speaking for myself, would rather not acknowledge it in ourselves. Beth Moore is not going to let her readers get away with that!

In our little community of friends, neighbours, classmates, co-workers, fellow worshipers and family members, I wish that we could all be honest with each other about what drives our fears. Can you picture that? Hundreds of women responding openly to a roll-call of insecurities. It almost sounds dangerous. Would it change how we feel about each other? Definitely. I think of what a friend of mine shared about a woman she saw at the park. This woman was gorgeous. She was the type we would think “has it all.” She didn’t, however. She was recently divorced and suffering from terrible loneliness. What would it be like to look at the women who are confident, stunning, composed, popular, funny, and well-dressed and know that they don’t feel any better about themselves than we do about ourselves.

These are common ‘false positives’ or sources of insecurity:

“If only I could be thinner.”

“If only I were prettier.”

“If only I had a good man in my life.”

“If only I were more out going.”

“If only I were funnier.”

“If only I were smarter.”

“If only I had more education.”

“If only I had more job security.”

“If only I were popular.”

“If only I had more money.”

“If only I were apart of the ‘in-crowd.’”

“If only I had children.”

“If only [fill in the blank].”

I think everyone should take time to ponder what fear is motivating them. For me, my insecurities are based on my appearance and relationships. I value myself on how I appear and on how I am treated. When I am a few pounds heavier, I don’t feel fit to leave the house and face people. I am more disciplined with exercise and diet when I am doing it to please a man, which in turn will help me feel better about myself. How sad is that, really? If you summed up your ‘false positives’ in a few straight-forward sentences, I think that you would feel the same way I do. You would be stunned and torn between bawling in shame or laughing at your own ridiculous thoughts.

The bottom line is to be happy in who we are, right? More than that. We need to be happy in who God created us to be and draw security from Jesus who dwells with in us. This will sound far-fetched to someone of different beliefs. However, it is true. Knowing that there is an all-powerful God who created us with great detail and purpose is life changing.

Tonight, I felt led to look at my life through a different perspective; through the confident side of my soul that is nourished by Jesus love for me. Whether you believe in Christ or not, it is something worth trying. Look back 6 months, perhaps more, and honestly list the series of trials and triumphs you have been living through. Don’t spend any time focusing on regrets or mistakes. Just look at all the good things you have experienced and accomplished in the light of difficulties you have been facing. I am not going to list mine here but I will say that I saw so much good. I could see my successes, the battles I have overcome, the times I was confident, the times I was strong, and I saw my plans for the future. There was a lot to be proud of and thankful for. Bottom line? I did it all without weighing 120 pounds or having Mr. Right whispering ‘sweet nothings’ in my ear.

Let me say that again:

Look at Your Life + All Accomplishments & Triumphs – Things You Wish You Could Change About Yourself = A Lot to Be Secure About!!!

+ You took a courageous new move/step in your life – without being 10 pounds thinner.

+ You received good grades/evaluations at your school/job – without having the ideal man in your life.

+ You made a difference in someone’s life through love and kindness – without being the popular one.

+ You survived an illness/loss with strength inspiring many others – without being more attractive.

+ You are smart and successful at what you do – without being perfect and in control of everything.

+ You have a loving family all around you that gives you great joy – without having a mansion and the money to keep it running.

+ You are a single mother raising children that are smart, talented with great potential who are healthy and know that they are loved – without a man or a better job or more money or a nicer home with nicer furniture or without you being the smartest, thinnest, prettiest, wittiest woman in town!

You are living a blessed, successful life with many things to be thankful for and you are doing it without even being secure in whom you are. You did it being who you are; not more like someone else.

I did it without being at my ideal weight or being married with four children! I did it with the strength and character with which God has given me!

So Long, Insecurity

Though my room is still a mess of balled up clothing, poorly-balanced piles of papers and books, random empty plastic bags on the floor and my father's empty coke bottles on the desk, tonight my room feels like a safe and relaxing place. I set up some lamps on either side of my bed so I don't have to have the harsh ceiling light on. I have been listening to a mix of yoga music and Mozart. Granted, I feel my stress level rise as I look at the disorganization around me, but sitting up in my bed, I am in a cozy haven.

Tonight, I started reading Beth Moore's latest book, "So Long, Insecurity. You're been a bad friend to us." I have been waiting for this with great anticipation! I am participating in her online study blog. Over 6,000 women are journeying through their battle with insecurity together. It's definitely the biggest study group that I have ever been apart of. lol

As I am making posts each week, I thought that I would copy them here and expand on them.

Chapter One: Mad Enough to Change

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

The first chapter has struck hard in more than one area. My struggle with insecurities/boundaries has invaded many facets of my life, but the hardest blow has wounded my relationships with men; or as it has been pointed out in Chapter 1, my expectations of men.

One particular relationship came strongly to my mind as I read. I have been torn between drowning myself in blame or poisoning my view of men by thinking “once more, they are all the same.” I am willing to accept that there are equal portions from both options (it wasn’t a healthy relationship), but sitting down and facing what I did wrong is very uncomfortable. I unloaded a lot of my insecurity on him. I wanted him to undo past wrongs and give me the hope I needed to survive. I think that God removed me from that relationship because I needed to trust Him instead. Truthfully, I felt as though a steel veil had been lifted the day of the break up. I could see God in a way I had not experienced for probably 10 years.

Chapter 2: Insecure Enough to Matter

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

Some quotes

“I don’t just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself.” P. 18

“Insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. That’s where it becomes an art form.” P. 19

Beth gave us a definition of insecurity cited from Joseph Nowinski's "The Tender Heart: Conquering Your Insecurity." The second part of the definition hit me quite hard. I think that I do set myself up with completely unreasonable expectations. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that it is connected to my depression. I am a perfectionist and I cannot abide falling short. Last night, my friend Sonja described herself as having once looked to others opinion of her to rate her own self-worth. I thought to myself, I am glad that is not me. Now having finished chapter two, I realize that it is most certainly me!! Every day, I wake up with unreasonable expectations. Usually I feel like a failure by the time I am walking out the door to face my day. Today was my first day to relax after a busy week of commitments. I was beating myself up that I hadn’t done more work, studying or cleaning. I had to do some self-talk to realize that I deserved an easy day with little in it. There was nothing wrong with having some down time.

The ground work has been laid for me to come to terms with the insecurities still lurking in the deep waters of my soul. I have my eyes set on the goal: God transform me into a secure woman in Him.

I think that this book is well worth the read, and it is not too late to join the blog.