An Open Letter to My Husband

     I have the heart knowledge that I married the best man I have ever known, but sometimes my brain forgets. 

     Complaining has to be one of the laziest pastime's in existence. It takes no effort or skill to look around and see reasons to be disappointed. We might be able to claim cleverness in the way we deliver the zinger part of the time, but we are lazy all of the time if we choose to express dissatisfaction rather than gratitude.

     As strife has increased in my life, I have slipped into a mindset of resentfulness. I have decided not to offer up any explanations or justifications in this paragraph. The characteristics of our humanity comes with pros and cons. This one is a con; that wrong thinking leads me to so say wrong and do wrong. Therefore, I leave here an open letter to my husband where I offer repentance and appreciation.

"Kevin, recently, I could have afforded you more credit than I gave. The lists of your 

admirable qualities and acts of kindness are extensive, yet I can easily summarize them. 

You have loved me well. Since the beginning of 'us', you have been a constant source of 

comfort and strength; even when I was undeserving. Whether we are relaxing under the 

warmth of a brilliant sun, or navigating through a fierce storm on a dark night, I am 

grateful that you are by my side guiding and supporting me. For who you are and all that  

you do, I honour you. I love you."

My Latest Life Lesson

Oh what a day. There is so much that I have to learn. My human nature thrives on believing that I have it figured it out and under control. The human nature thrives, but in turn the spirit suffers. There is so much I want to share with the faith that I cannot be the only woman who falls prey to lies. There are times that require discretion, though. I realize that our culture operates on everything being out in the open. Facebook is a virtual clothesline that displays dirty laundry for an unlimited number of passers-by. I see no virtue in this practice.

Suffice to say, God is revealing to me His beautiful vision for His grown-up daughters whom He loves so dearly. Lately, I have been grumbling to God about hormones. At this point, men may scratch their heads, or roll their eyes, or hold on to the edges of their laptop to stave off the on-coming sermon. Women are nodding their head, tearing in their eyes because they relate instantaneously and are raising their hands to encourage the preaching! But brothers, before you click to close the tab or type something else in the Google window, bear with my blog a little longer.

I have come to the conclusion that the chemistry of hormones is from God’s skillful and masterly hand because it is the fuel that helps the female body function in fantastic and mysterious ways. The crazy mood swings and excuses that come as a by-product of said hormones have to be straight from the sneering smug kisser of the devil himself because it creates nothing but chaos, conflict and sorrow. 

I am no science major, so I couldn't begin to describe the amazing way a woman's body works and how necessary those hormones are to not just to maintain life in a balanced state, but also to create and maintain the development of a life itself. For those who are willing to study and learn, a woman's body (not her exterior) but her mechanics are a work of art and the function of hormones are key to the whole masterpiece. I am not going to deviate onto an anti-Darwinistic jaunt, but I will say that whenever I consider science, particularly human biology, it points to an amazing creator, a genius mind, a supreme force that omits not one single detail.

Generally, the word "hormones" is a dirty two-syllable word that is associated with the most unattractive side a woman could ever reveal. We immediately think of a women behaving irrationally or viciously, even. We think of scary witches, chomping on ineffective prozac and men cowering or pulling their hair out by the roots because they have no idea how to slay the dragon that has been unleashed from within otherwise happy loving creatures. I'm not going to lie: I have had episodes that leave me feeling like a completely different person. I do not recognize the shrill voice, the sobbing gasps or cruel words coming out of me. I think, "What is this? and how has it twisted me into this unrecognizable person?" I know that I am not alone in this, that is why I am honest enough to own up to the behaviour and, though it KILLS me to confess, occasionally using the "H" word to justify it. 

Do you know the definition of "wicked"? No, I haven't changed the subject. The English word "wicked" originated from the old Anglo-Saxon word wiker (or "wicker" in the present-day spelling) which meant to twist i.e. a candle "wick" is called that because it is twisted  Something happens to us. Poisonous thoughts laced with paranoia dissolve into our conscious minds convincing us to believe a warped perception of a situation and convicting us of being no good. Something gets twisted in our thinking and in our reactions and that "twist" is wicked. It must be one of satan's favourite ways to create division and conflict in our relationships. 

I realize I am opening myself up for a lot "knowledgeable" people to argue with me that this, in fact, has nothing to do with the spiritual, but is scientific and it is just something we need to accept or prescribe against. I am not arguing the physical and the biological. I wouldn't dare because it is the handiwork of God, but I am going to be bold enough to say that, as a woman, when you see yourself spiraling out of control and you see that panic in the non-hormonal-person's face, I think that the evil one is messing with us and that we can fight it with the power of Jesus Christ.

The following is a passage that I used to have pinned up on my bedroom wall (and I think I may reinstating it soon). 

 "We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

When I am having a melt down, I turn on myself like a vicious cat having a bad day. I convict myself of being "no good," "failing," and "not worth the bother." I do not merely hurt myself with such unfounded accusations, but I hurt those around me who love me. My head fills with lies and in a weakened state, I swallow the lies whole and fall apart. But what if I were to stop, call the thoughts lies from the devil and call on Christ to capture these "rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey" Him. As Paul says, these thoughts are unworldly weapons that satan uses as an "obstacle that keeps [us] from knowing God." We are daughters of God, brides of Christ, loved with an everlasting love and are eligible to enter into a covenant that will keep us inseparable from God from now and all through eternity. This is the truth; this is the answer to fear that overwhelms us at times of PMS, pregnancy, menopause, depression, chemical imbalance and the list goes on.

I'm not Tom Cruise. I am not about to call psychiatry a quack's profession and tel people with mental illness to abandon medication or say that mood swings are not part of our reality and we can control it with our mind. Yes, I am speaking contrary to scientology and new age beliefs and if you don't like it, sit on it. I am saying that when we are hit by hormones, by tidal waves of emotions that came out of nowhere like a tsunami after an earth quake, we can turn to God in these times as well. There is nothing that He cannot help us overcome.  

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2 Sisters, turn to God in your time of distress and call on Christ to disarm those weapons of deceit that are besieging you. And brothers, if you are in anyway God-fearing, fight for your woman with prayers against the devil and call upon the Lord to protect her mind and heart. Support her with love, and for Pete's sake, don't try to fix it, Tim Taylor! Call on the Lord to rescue and defend His daughters. It is not God's will for hormones to oppress a woman, marriage or family a minute longer. That is a truth that I am going to carry with me for each day left in my naturally born-female-existence. Can I get an "Amen"?!

A Woman's Right to a Journey

I have been reading “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am a born-again Christian. Not only do I believe in a higher power—an almighty God—I believe in his son Jesus Christ. The way I see it, God is not only the power of the universe, He has an identity, a heart, and a spirit with whom mankind can have a relationship. The existence, holiness and divinity of Jesus is where my difference of opinion with this publicly esteemed author begin and end.

That being explained, I drew a likeness between Gilbert and myself in her search for the understanding of self, the development of intimacy with God and the establishment of balance in her life. On the big screen, I watched Julia Roberts portray her desperate hunger for fulfillment. Not only did I identify with it, I knew that yearning personally. “How perfect it would be,” I thought to myself, “to leave routine life and depart on a pilgrimage across the globe seeking nourishment for the soul.” I know how to eat and enjoy food. If I had a choice, I would rather do it in Europe than Canada. Certainly, I would like to retrain myself in the art of experiencing pleasure (and I’m not referring to food and sex). God endowed me with many interests and aptitudes. I have abandoned so many of my favourite pursuits. I would welcome an opportunity to reconnect with them again. I could spend time every day envisioning myself in front of the Throne of God and fellowship in His presence. And as for love? I want love. I crave being loved, in fact; that’s the problem. Perhaps after a tutorial on enjoying my gifts in this life and growing closer to my heavenly Father, I would be ready to embark in a romantic-loving relationship with a man. As ideal as that sounds, my chest tightens with trepidation at the prospect. Despite our few theological differences, I wanted the same opportunity that Elizabeth Gilbert had been given.

Now, do I want to gain weight in Italy, convert to Hinduism in India and have premarital snogs in Bali? No, but in this case, I really don’t think that is the point. I am a conservative Christian with the life-term goal of being as non-judgmental as Jesus was during His time on earth. He said, “I have come not to condemn the world, but to save it.” Christians can do a lousy job at imitating Christ in this particular department. We are too quick to rise up arms in the name of moral values versus moral depravity. We condemn “non-believers” for not living up to our standards. This tactic is as warranted as belittling a vegetarian for not eating meat or dairy. Why should they? They don’t believe in eating those foods. Granted, vegetarians chastise everyone else who does consume animal meat or dairy products, but we [carnivores] ignore them because their belief system is not our belief system. People who are deemed legally mentally incompetent are not held accountable for their crimes in the same way that any other defendant would be. This is something our society has learned to accept. I am a monotheist who worships only one spirit, the Holy Spirit, and I have committed to keeping sex for marriage. Do I hold people of different value systems accountable to those of my own? No. Why? Because I am not God. God founded the laws to live by for His creation millennia ago and one day He will hold mankind up to His divine moral yardstick, but it is His right to judge, not mine or anybody else’s. If it had been my finger that forged the Ten Commandments onto stone tablets on Mount Sinai, then it would be my right. But as the book of Exodus does not document “Sarah saying thus to Moses,” my only responsibility to my fellow humans is to not judge as so I will be judged. This principle applies to all the followers of Christ.

I mounted this soap box to clarify to any future reader that I have chosen to lay down any unholy weapons of pride, false piety, judgment and moral superiority by not focusing solely on how Elizabeth Gilbert blazed her trail, but why she embarked on it in the first place. Her story puts me in mind of “The Sacred Romance” by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge. Every Christian, nay, human being has felt a stirring in their soul that “there must be something more.” The essence of Gilbert’s mission is a thirst for more of God. This strikes at the very heart of the Christian faith! God wants us to pursue a relationship with Him. When He created Adam and Eve, He gave them free will. He did not fashion robots out of Eden’s dust that would instinctively follow His pleasing and perfect will. God granted us with the freedom of choice. On the other hand, you could say that He did implant a “chip” in the core of our being; a homing device, if you will, that calls the fallen sons and daughters of man back to their heavenly Father. But, though we may all feel the “longing,” we still have to choose to reunite with Him.

It is now twenty-three years ago since I accepted the Spirit of Adoption becoming a daughter of God and yet I still feel that there must be something more! I have tripped, fallen and strayed from the path many times since then, too, and these incidents are more than I can count, but through Jesus’ strength, I have been able to keep moving forward. I have made significant pilgrim’s progress in my life, but my journey is SO far from over! Jesus removed the distance between God and man the day He died and the curtain was torn, but so nearer to the heart of God I need to be.

This is why everyone who has decided to follow Jesus should desire a similar pilgrimage. Our spiritual health is more important than anything else in this world, and we all are in need of a sabbatical from our chaotic-lives at some point before we die. I do not recall when or how I petitioned God, but at some point after seeing the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”, I prayed that I could be blessed with the same opportunity to know myself and know God. In a very unexpected way, this prayer was answered. I am coming to the end of the fourth month in my journey and it is time to evaluate the distance I’ve covered, compare my “enlightenments” with the words of the author herself, and regroup with some Christian resources to help me on the course awaiting me.

Please allow me one more segue before I finish! I was beyond encouraged when I discovered that God also inspired another godly woman whom I greatly admire. One night while scrolling through the “Living Proof” website, I spotted a familiar title: “Eat, Pray, Love.” Only this was a lecture on “One Woman's Search for Everything Across Israel, Egypt and Exile”, inspired by the writings of the prophet Jeremiah and presented by my favourite Beth Moore. I make a conscious effort not to idolize Beth because she is no more perfect and immortal than I am! She has been obedient to the Spirit, though, and God has blessed so many other imperfect and mortal women through her. What a special confirmation from the LORD that He understood the desire of my heart and was honouring my resolve to be true to my faith. There is no eloquent way of concluding this monologue except to say that I am so excited to learn and discover God’s truth for His people. May the next chapter of my journey begin!