Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Cambiare (Change)



Life is about to change. I should say, "Life is about to change again." I feel a little stalled in my reflection right now because as I think back over the near six months, so much comes flooding towards me: the steps taken in faith, the tears shed, and the wakefulness in the wee hours when I turned the world over in my head. Some days seemed to pass like dreams and some dreams seemed to last for days. I had never lived moment by moment before. Giving up planning and expectations had never occurred to me. I did not know that I could survive without knowing what was going to happen next. "I am not there yet. I will cross that bridge when it's the proper time." I promise you such language has never passed my lips, at least not with any degree of sincerity. Then again, I never took a time out from life before.

"I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road

If the Bible is right, the world will explode

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hot to touch

The human mind can only stand so much

You can’t win with a losing hand"

This is a verse from Dylan's song "Things Have Changed." I don't think I could ever have the courage to analyze a Bob Dylan original; I have too much sobriety. Even if I were to succeed, there is no guarantee that I would ever be the same again. However, I not only could, but habitually do, interpret his songs and those of other artists with all of my senses. The words and melody pass through my ears into my brain from which they are transmitted through my body, but the song is changed into a language that only I can understand and emotions that only I can feel. So, at the beginning of my journey, the song sounded like this:

"I’ve been walking twenty-five years of bad road

If the Bible is right, I've reaped what I've sowed

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hard to touch

This heart of mine can only stand so much

I've been playing with a losing hand"

Every moment, every experience, every choice I ever made lead to me to that place. There are people who are sponsored to run for charities or to draw awareness for a cure. The marathon I was running was bound for destruction and my sponsors were lies, self-hatred and hopelessness. Fortunately for me, God did not give me a spirit of fear. One of the bridges in this song goes, "Lot of water under the bridge, lot of other stuff too. Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through." Oh yes, this experience was not like playing "Pooh Sticks." I did not drop a pinecone's worth of emotion into a creek and gleefully watch it pass under a bridge through to the other side. It was more like observing one's own colonic. And no, I didn't come to stay. I went to rest at a divine crossroads where many other weary travellers were "only passing through."

I went in droning a dissonant tune from an old lament and I am coming out feverishly whistling the melody of a new anthem. An artful way of saying that, I need to filter through that verse one more time.

"I’ve been walking six months of steep road

If the Bible is right, I can let down this load

My inner voice is crying out as loud as she can

Denial and I are now out of touch

This heart of mine has grown so much

I've been raised up by a mighty hand"

Now that I am at risk of being sued for plagiarism or desecrating a classic, you might as well check out the real song for yourself. :-) "Things Have Changed" - Bob Dylan - from the film "The Wonder Boys"

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A Woman's Right to a Journey


I have been reading “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am a born-again Christian. Not only do I believe in a higher power—an almighty God—I believe in his son Jesus Christ. The way I see it, God is not only the power of the universe, He has an identity, a heart, and a spirit with whom mankind can have a relationship. The existence, holiness and divinity of Jesus is where my difference of opinion with this publicly esteemed author begin and end.

That being explained, I drew a likeness between Gilbert and myself in her search for the understanding of self, the development of intimacy with God and the establishment of balance in her life. On the big screen, I watched Julia Roberts portray her desperate hunger for fulfillment. Not only did I identify with it, I knew that yearning personally. “How perfect it would be,” I thought to myself, “to leave routine life and depart on a pilgrimage across the globe seeking nourishment for the soul.” I know how to eat and enjoy food. If I had a choice, I would rather do it in Europe than Canada. Certainly, I would like to retrain myself in the art of experiencing pleasure (and I’m not referring to food and sex). God endowed me with many interests and aptitudes. I have abandoned so many of my favourite pursuits. I would welcome an opportunity to reconnect with them again. I could spend time every day envisioning myself in front of the Throne of God and fellowship in His presence. And as for love? I want love. I crave being loved, in fact; that’s the problem. Perhaps after a tutorial on enjoying my gifts in this life and growing closer to my heavenly Father, I would be ready to embark in a romantic-loving relationship with a man. As ideal as that sounds, my chest tightens with trepidation at the prospect. Despite our few theological differences, I wanted the same opportunity that Elizabeth Gilbert had been given.

Now, do I want to gain weight in Italy, convert to Hinduism in India and have premarital snogs in Bali? No, but in this case, I really don’t think that is the point. I am a conservative Christian with the life-term goal of being as non-judgmental as Jesus was during His time on earth. He said, “I have come not to condemn the world, but to save it.” Christians can do a lousy job at imitating Christ in this particular department. We are too quick to rise up arms in the name of moral values versus moral depravity. We condemn “non-believers” for not living up to our standards. This tactic is as warranted as belittling a vegetarian for not eating meat or dairy. Why should they? They don’t believe in eating those foods. Granted, vegetarians chastise everyone else who does consume animal meat or dairy products, but we [carnivores] ignore them because their belief system is not our belief system. People who are deemed legally mentally incompetent are not held accountable for their crimes in the same way that any other defendant would be. This is something our society has learned to accept. I am a monotheist who worships only one spirit, the Holy Spirit, and I have committed to keeping sex for marriage. Do I hold people of different value systems accountable to those of my own? No. Why? Because I am not God. God founded the laws to live by for His creation millennia ago and one day He will hold mankind up to His divine moral yardstick, but it is His right to judge, not mine or anybody else’s. If it had been my finger that forged the Ten Commandments onto stone tablets on Mount Sinai, then it would be my right. But as the book of Exodus does not document “Sarah saying thus to Moses,” my only responsibility to my fellow humans is to not judge as so I will be judged. This principle applies to all the followers of Christ.

I mounted this soap box to clarify to any future reader that I have chosen to lay down any unholy weapons of pride, false piety, judgment and moral superiority by not focusing solely on how Elizabeth Gilbert blazed her trail, but why she embarked on it in the first place. Her story puts me in mind of “The Sacred Romance” by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge. Every Christian, nay, human being has felt a stirring in their soul that “there must be something more.” The essence of Gilbert’s mission is a thirst for more of God. This strikes at the very heart of the Christian faith! God wants us to pursue a relationship with Him. When He created Adam and Eve, He gave them free will. He did not fashion robots out of Eden’s dust that would instinctively follow His pleasing and perfect will. God granted us with the freedom of choice. On the other hand, you could say that He did implant a “chip” in the core of our being; a homing device, if you will, that calls the fallen sons and daughters of man back to their heavenly Father. But, though we may all feel the “longing,” we still have to choose to reunite with Him.

It is now twenty-three years ago since I accepted the Spirit of Adoption becoming a daughter of God and yet I still feel that there must be something more! I have tripped, fallen and strayed from the path many times since then, too, and these incidents are more than I can count, but through Jesus’ strength, I have been able to keep moving forward. I have made significant pilgrim’s progress in my life, but my journey is SO far from over! Jesus removed the distance between God and man the day He died and the curtain was torn, but so nearer to the heart of God I need to be.

This is why everyone who has decided to follow Jesus should desire a similar pilgrimage. Our spiritual health is more important than anything else in this world, and we all are in need of a sabbatical from our chaotic-lives at some point before we die. I do not recall when or how I petitioned God, but at some point after seeing the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”, I prayed that I could be blessed with the same opportunity to know myself and know God. In a very unexpected way, this prayer was answered. I am coming to the end of the fourth month in my journey and it is time to evaluate the distance I’ve covered, compare my “enlightenments” with the words of the author herself, and regroup with some Christian resources to help me on the course awaiting me.

Please allow me one more segue before I finish! I was beyond encouraged when I discovered that God also inspired another godly woman whom I greatly admire. One night while scrolling through the “Living Proof” website, I spotted a familiar title: “Eat, Pray, Love.” Only this was a lecture on “One Woman's Search for Everything Across Israel, Egypt and Exile”, inspired by the writings of the prophet Jeremiah and presented by my favourite Beth Moore. I make a conscious effort not to idolize Beth because she is no more perfect and immortal than I am! She has been obedient to the Spirit, though, and God has blessed so many other imperfect and mortal women through her. What a special confirmation from the LORD that He understood the desire of my heart and was honouring my resolve to be true to my faith. There is no eloquent way of concluding this monologue except to say that I am so excited to learn and discover God’s truth for His people. May the next chapter of my journey begin!