Cambiare (Change)

Life is about to change. I should say, "Life is about to change again." I feel a little stalled in my reflection right now because as I think back over the near six months, so much comes flooding towards me: the steps taken in faith, the tears shed, and the wakefulness in the wee hours when I turned the world over in my head. Some days seemed to pass like dreams and some dreams seemed to last for days. I had never lived moment by moment before. Giving up planning and expectations had never occurred to me. I did not know that I could survive without knowing what was going to happen next. "I am not there yet. I will cross that bridge when it's the proper time." I promise you such language has never passed my lips, at least not with any degree of sincerity. Then again, I never took a time out from life before.

"I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road

If the Bible is right, the world will explode

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hot to touch

The human mind can only stand so much

You can’t win with a losing hand"

This is a verse from Dylan's song "Things Have Changed." I don't think I could ever have the courage to analyze a Bob Dylan original; I have too much sobriety. Even if I were to succeed, there is no guarantee that I would ever be the same again. However, I not only could, but habitually do, interpret his songs and those of other artists with all of my senses. The words and melody pass through my ears into my brain from which they are transmitted through my body, but the song is changed into a language that only I can understand and emotions that only I can feel. So, at the beginning of my journey, the song sounded like this:

"I’ve been walking twenty-five years of bad road

If the Bible is right, I've reaped what I've sowed

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hard to touch

This heart of mine can only stand so much

I've been playing with a losing hand"

Every moment, every experience, every choice I ever made lead to me to that place. There are people who are sponsored to run for charities or to draw awareness for a cure. The marathon I was running was bound for destruction and my sponsors were lies, self-hatred and hopelessness. Fortunately for me, God did not give me a spirit of fear. One of the bridges in this song goes, "Lot of water under the bridge, lot of other stuff too. Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through." Oh yes, this experience was not like playing "Pooh Sticks." I did not drop a pinecone's worth of emotion into a creek and gleefully watch it pass under a bridge through to the other side. It was more like observing one's own colonic. And no, I didn't come to stay. I went to rest at a divine crossroads where many other weary travellers were "only passing through."

I went in droning a dissonant tune from an old lament and I am coming out feverishly whistling the melody of a new anthem. An artful way of saying that, I need to filter through that verse one more time.

"I’ve been walking six months of steep road

If the Bible is right, I can let down this load

My inner voice is crying out as loud as she can

Denial and I are now out of touch

This heart of mine has grown so much

I've been raised up by a mighty hand"

Now that I am at risk of being sued for plagiarism or desecrating a classic, you might as well check out the real song for yourself. :-) "Things Have Changed" - Bob Dylan - from the film "The Wonder Boys"