Cambiare (Change)

Life is about to change. I should say, "Life is about to change again." I feel a little stalled in my reflection right now because as I think back over the near six months, so much comes flooding towards me: the steps taken in faith, the tears shed, and the wakefulness in the wee hours when I turned the world over in my head. Some days seemed to pass like dreams and some dreams seemed to last for days. I had never lived moment by moment before. Giving up planning and expectations had never occurred to me. I did not know that I could survive without knowing what was going to happen next. "I am not there yet. I will cross that bridge when it's the proper time." I promise you such language has never passed my lips, at least not with any degree of sincerity. Then again, I never took a time out from life before.

"I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road

If the Bible is right, the world will explode

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hot to touch

The human mind can only stand so much

You can’t win with a losing hand"

This is a verse from Dylan's song "Things Have Changed." I don't think I could ever have the courage to analyze a Bob Dylan original; I have too much sobriety. Even if I were to succeed, there is no guarantee that I would ever be the same again. However, I not only could, but habitually do, interpret his songs and those of other artists with all of my senses. The words and melody pass through my ears into my brain from which they are transmitted through my body, but the song is changed into a language that only I can understand and emotions that only I can feel. So, at the beginning of my journey, the song sounded like this:

"I’ve been walking twenty-five years of bad road

If the Bible is right, I've reaped what I've sowed

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hard to touch

This heart of mine can only stand so much

I've been playing with a losing hand"

Every moment, every experience, every choice I ever made lead to me to that place. There are people who are sponsored to run for charities or to draw awareness for a cure. The marathon I was running was bound for destruction and my sponsors were lies, self-hatred and hopelessness. Fortunately for me, God did not give me a spirit of fear. One of the bridges in this song goes, "Lot of water under the bridge, lot of other stuff too. Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through." Oh yes, this experience was not like playing "Pooh Sticks." I did not drop a pinecone's worth of emotion into a creek and gleefully watch it pass under a bridge through to the other side. It was more like observing one's own colonic. And no, I didn't come to stay. I went to rest at a divine crossroads where many other weary travellers were "only passing through."

I went in droning a dissonant tune from an old lament and I am coming out feverishly whistling the melody of a new anthem. An artful way of saying that, I need to filter through that verse one more time.

"I’ve been walking six months of steep road

If the Bible is right, I can let down this load

My inner voice is crying out as loud as she can

Denial and I are now out of touch

This heart of mine has grown so much

I've been raised up by a mighty hand"

Now that I am at risk of being sued for plagiarism or desecrating a classic, you might as well check out the real song for yourself. :-) "Things Have Changed" - Bob Dylan - from the film "The Wonder Boys"

Man vs. the Wild

I am not a member of the PETA group. I did not grow up in the country. "Forget Old Yeller", I cried at "Air Bud." I love animals and cannot bear the thought of these precious creatures being hurt. I'm not a vegetarian, though thanks to Gillian McKeith, I don't think that I'll ever be able to eat another hot dog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CySktp2C_kM

So to put me on the spectrum, I would have to be somewhere in the middle; perhaps an animal lover who lives in ignorance? The mere thought of animal cruelty makes me nauseous, yet I do try to keep a practical frame of mind. Even the cutest furry creatures can cause disease and infestation, and when that happens: you've got to do what you've got to do.

The local pigeons, that is to say one particular female pigeon, decided that my mother's balcony was an ideal place to lay her future hatchlings. Unfortunately this avian mother's plans did not jive with those of my mother. At her request, I have disposed of four eggs in as nearly many days. FACT: Pigeons will take over balconies, if you let them. With bold audacity, these birds start to redecorate the landscape adding a "personal touch" with squirts of toxicity. That is just for starters. Beware, with no intervention, those plump little coo-ers can transform a cozy balcony with a lovely view into a bio-hazardous zone where even angels fear to tread. (I wish I could find the video of "Colin and Justin on the Estate" to give a visual of how bad it can be.) Does it sound like I am trying to justify my involvement in the demise of four wee unhatched pigeons? Maybe a little.

Upon my arrival at my mother's this afternoon, I made it my priority to clear away the new nest. I peered out the window and spotted the mother

laying on her latest deposit. I grabbed a broom from the closet and decided to bring reinforcements: It was time to rouse beautiful Bagheera out of the closet. She can be trustworthy on the balcony, and she has shown generally good hunting skills in the past (mice, a few centipedes and even a bat). I figured that she could intimidate the pigeon, driving it away from it's nest, while I went for the eggs. Baghy was a little bewildered at being abruptly awoken from her nap, flung under my arm and plopped outside. The eyes of cat and bird met. Baghy lowered and cocked her head forward. The pigeon rose onto her talons. Then my ferocious feline turned on her heels and went scurrying back to the balcony door. Like an over-achieving mother, I prodded her to go after the bird, but it was a lost cause. I shooed it away with a broom and scooped up the eggs in the dust pan. I asked Bagheera why she retreated so early on in the stand-off, but she declined to comment.

The eggs had been disposed of and it was time for me to relax. I was about to get cozy in my Mom's bed when I saw that the mother bird had returned to her little bits of dried grass. At first she pecked at them, then, with one strand pinched in her beak, she began to pace in a large circle. I'm no ornithologist, but I watched her for several minutes. At first, I humanized the situation, thinking that she was looking for her lost eggs. Then I began to wonder if there was more method in the ritual she was performing. I have learned that animals do not do a single thing without a reason. Their whole existence is founded on instincts of survival and an inherent obedience to the natural cycle of life.

After a few more minutes, the pigeon settled by sticking her bottom in the air and squishing it in the corner of the balcony; another curious thing.

Animals seem to have been created pre-programmed with their function and the necessary skills to survive. The cycle of their existence continues to revolve regardless of industrial evolution. Their lifestyles are not flexible. They are indifferent to the expectations humans may have for them. Most apartment renters do not a family of pigeons taking over their balconies, country dwellers do not want squirrels hibernating in their walls, gardeners do not want to share their prized vegetable patches with hungry bunnies, there isn't a single corner of the house where mice are welcome, and the list goes on. Are any of these creatures concerned about the needs of man kind? Do they see their point of view? Well, they are not easily deterred and, like Jack the Cat who was told to hit the road, they come back!

For those of you who have stuck with the post this far, you might be wondering what my point is....Good Question! I guess I am presenting a topic for conversation; it certainly is a controversial one. In this world, there are extremists whom have chosen to have themselves neutered in order that the dominance of the globe may return to the untamed beasts of the wild! On the other hand, I might have been struck by the beauty of these mammals who endure the brunt of pollution, continual eviction and the threat of extinction. And yet, they withstand it all with constancy. It makes me thing of the passage,

"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they?" - Matthew 6:26

"What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." - Matthew 10:29

My final thought is that the resilience of the animals is a fraction of the power and potential that is ours for the taking. :-)

Verse for March #2

"I raise me eyes toward the mountains.

Where will my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD

the Maker of heaven and earth."

~ Psalm 121:1 & 2

"La Tête de Chien" From franckboyer

A Woman's Right to a Journey

I have been reading “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am a born-again Christian. Not only do I believe in a higher power—an almighty God—I believe in his son Jesus Christ. The way I see it, God is not only the power of the universe, He has an identity, a heart, and a spirit with whom mankind can have a relationship. The existence, holiness and divinity of Jesus is where my difference of opinion with this publicly esteemed author begin and end.

That being explained, I drew a likeness between Gilbert and myself in her search for the understanding of self, the development of intimacy with God and the establishment of balance in her life. On the big screen, I watched Julia Roberts portray her desperate hunger for fulfillment. Not only did I identify with it, I knew that yearning personally. “How perfect it would be,” I thought to myself, “to leave routine life and depart on a pilgrimage across the globe seeking nourishment for the soul.” I know how to eat and enjoy food. If I had a choice, I would rather do it in Europe than Canada. Certainly, I would like to retrain myself in the art of experiencing pleasure (and I’m not referring to food and sex). God endowed me with many interests and aptitudes. I have abandoned so many of my favourite pursuits. I would welcome an opportunity to reconnect with them again. I could spend time every day envisioning myself in front of the Throne of God and fellowship in His presence. And as for love? I want love. I crave being loved, in fact; that’s the problem. Perhaps after a tutorial on enjoying my gifts in this life and growing closer to my heavenly Father, I would be ready to embark in a romantic-loving relationship with a man. As ideal as that sounds, my chest tightens with trepidation at the prospect. Despite our few theological differences, I wanted the same opportunity that Elizabeth Gilbert had been given.

Now, do I want to gain weight in Italy, convert to Hinduism in India and have premarital snogs in Bali? No, but in this case, I really don’t think that is the point. I am a conservative Christian with the life-term goal of being as non-judgmental as Jesus was during His time on earth. He said, “I have come not to condemn the world, but to save it.” Christians can do a lousy job at imitating Christ in this particular department. We are too quick to rise up arms in the name of moral values versus moral depravity. We condemn “non-believers” for not living up to our standards. This tactic is as warranted as belittling a vegetarian for not eating meat or dairy. Why should they? They don’t believe in eating those foods. Granted, vegetarians chastise everyone else who does consume animal meat or dairy products, but we [carnivores] ignore them because their belief system is not our belief system. People who are deemed legally mentally incompetent are not held accountable for their crimes in the same way that any other defendant would be. This is something our society has learned to accept. I am a monotheist who worships only one spirit, the Holy Spirit, and I have committed to keeping sex for marriage. Do I hold people of different value systems accountable to those of my own? No. Why? Because I am not God. God founded the laws to live by for His creation millennia ago and one day He will hold mankind up to His divine moral yardstick, but it is His right to judge, not mine or anybody else’s. If it had been my finger that forged the Ten Commandments onto stone tablets on Mount Sinai, then it would be my right. But as the book of Exodus does not document “Sarah saying thus to Moses,” my only responsibility to my fellow humans is to not judge as so I will be judged. This principle applies to all the followers of Christ.

I mounted this soap box to clarify to any future reader that I have chosen to lay down any unholy weapons of pride, false piety, judgment and moral superiority by not focusing solely on how Elizabeth Gilbert blazed her trail, but why she embarked on it in the first place. Her story puts me in mind of “The Sacred Romance” by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge. Every Christian, nay, human being has felt a stirring in their soul that “there must be something more.” The essence of Gilbert’s mission is a thirst for more of God. This strikes at the very heart of the Christian faith! God wants us to pursue a relationship with Him. When He created Adam and Eve, He gave them free will. He did not fashion robots out of Eden’s dust that would instinctively follow His pleasing and perfect will. God granted us with the freedom of choice. On the other hand, you could say that He did implant a “chip” in the core of our being; a homing device, if you will, that calls the fallen sons and daughters of man back to their heavenly Father. But, though we may all feel the “longing,” we still have to choose to reunite with Him.

It is now twenty-three years ago since I accepted the Spirit of Adoption becoming a daughter of God and yet I still feel that there must be something more! I have tripped, fallen and strayed from the path many times since then, too, and these incidents are more than I can count, but through Jesus’ strength, I have been able to keep moving forward. I have made significant pilgrim’s progress in my life, but my journey is SO far from over! Jesus removed the distance between God and man the day He died and the curtain was torn, but so nearer to the heart of God I need to be.

This is why everyone who has decided to follow Jesus should desire a similar pilgrimage. Our spiritual health is more important than anything else in this world, and we all are in need of a sabbatical from our chaotic-lives at some point before we die. I do not recall when or how I petitioned God, but at some point after seeing the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”, I prayed that I could be blessed with the same opportunity to know myself and know God. In a very unexpected way, this prayer was answered. I am coming to the end of the fourth month in my journey and it is time to evaluate the distance I’ve covered, compare my “enlightenments” with the words of the author herself, and regroup with some Christian resources to help me on the course awaiting me.

Please allow me one more segue before I finish! I was beyond encouraged when I discovered that God also inspired another godly woman whom I greatly admire. One night while scrolling through the “Living Proof” website, I spotted a familiar title: “Eat, Pray, Love.” Only this was a lecture on “One Woman's Search for Everything Across Israel, Egypt and Exile”, inspired by the writings of the prophet Jeremiah and presented by my favourite Beth Moore. I make a conscious effort not to idolize Beth because she is no more perfect and immortal than I am! She has been obedient to the Spirit, though, and God has blessed so many other imperfect and mortal women through her. What a special confirmation from the LORD that He understood the desire of my heart and was honouring my resolve to be true to my faith. There is no eloquent way of concluding this monologue except to say that I am so excited to learn and discover God’s truth for His people. May the next chapter of my journey begin!

Verse for March #1

"I keep asking that the God of [my] Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give [me] the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that [I] may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of [my] heart may be enlightened in order that [I] may know the hope to which He has called [me]." ~ Ephesians 1:17 & 18a