Waiting for a Miscarriage or a Miracle (Pt.1)

There are a lot of uncertainties in life. I always thought that the older I grew, the more I would know and understand. I guess it is true and I do become wiser with years, but all I am learning is that there is so much I do not know.

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning,

and let the discerning get guidance."

Proverbs 1:5

 I am increasingly convinced that there is no such thing as being in control. It's a concept; a state of mind. I do not believe that it is an actual capability, which will come has a hard blow to all the type A personalities out there. Perhaps that is why the Bible is continually encouraging us to submit, surrender, put our trust in God, hope in Him and not in man, and to seek all of our needs through His kingdom.

"There is no rock like our God." 1 Samuel 2:2

"All things are possible through Him who gives me strength." Phil. 3:14

"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Matt 6:33

"Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight." Prov. 3:5, 6

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8

What if this tug of war with God is just in our minds? It isn't God trying to control and dominate the earthlings. He is trying to teach us that He is the way, truth and life. We have no control; choice, yes; control, no. Near the end of His life, King Solomon concluded that there is no activity, no possession, no quantity of riches, no relationship, no belief system that is of any value apart from God. "meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless." We get so personally involved in what we do or believe. We invest our pride and reputation in our politics, our denomination, our lifestyle. There are so many ways that we esteem ourselves that in the greater scheme of things they must seem so petty to our God.

"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding." 

Daniel 2:20, 21

The title of the blog makes it painfully evident of my current struggle. I am waiting for the verdict like a grieving parent in a courthouse. Pacing, trying not to fret, bingeing, waiting to be swept away in a tidal wave of emotion regardless of the outcome. I have no control over what is happening in my body. I do not know if I am carrying around an empty sac waiting for the pain of a miscarriage to hit me, or if there is a heartbeat yet to be detected that will save this baby's life and our hearts from breaking. 

I do not know if a literal pergatory exists, but I feel that we can experience a season in pergatory on earth. Through health issues, financial crises, times of war, battles played out through the judicial system, and further scenarios, we find ourselves trapped on a highway between heaven and hell. It's either good news or bad news. No one recalls enrolling in the waiting game, but they are incapable of walking away from the game board until the final round is played. Yet it's an interesting paradox because though time seems to stand still, the world doesn't stop, but keeps orbiting. It isn't always possible to bring everything to a halt to catch your breath. You have to keep going about your day because life doesn't stop until it's over. It's hard to reconcile. It's hard to find the balance between not giving up hope, but protecting your heart from disappointment too.

I have painted a very bleak picture, I know. I can only imagine how I must be bringing an innocent reader down. I am not leaving off here in the "depths of despair" though, because at the beginning I listed all of the reasons why we can faith when we are in a pit. So I will defend the last two paragraphs by saying that this is how I feel, nor I am alone in this trial. I know Kevin must be feeling something quite similar. This is the truth. King David, who was said to be a man after God's own heart, never gave pretence to the thoughts and emotions that plagued him in dark hours.

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.

How long, Lord, how long?

Turn, Lord, and deliver me;

save me because of your unfailing love.

Among the dead no one proclaims your name.

Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes."
Psalm 6:2-7

This will be the third loss to grieve in a row in three months. I may not be as symptomatically devastated as David, but my heart intimately knows what he is describing. By appearances, I am able to function normally and resume life as though nothing has happened. I can even convince myself for several hours at a time. I am grateful that I can. Then something will jog my memory and I realize that I still have not quite let go yet. I don't think I will be able to until our baby's fate is confirmed. 

But in the meantime and beyond, "I will not die, but live to declare the works of the Lord." I know the pain in my heart, I see the tiredness in my husband's face, the concern in the eyes of family and friends, and I will call it as I see it. Not only that, I will look up from this pit and see the light above and have faith. I will face tomorrow and trust because I have no choice. There is nothing I could conjure up, no plot I could scheme that will fix anything. This situation is not hopeless, but I recognize that I have no control over what lead us here or what awaits around the bend. However, I do get to decide how I let this affect me. In honest truth, I want to fight and wrestle with God. But the Lord is not an unjust God. Jesus knows our heart and feels the same pain and sadness we feel. The story doesn't end with me clinging to Kevin and sobbing. That might be my reality for the next few days, but each day will get better and there is hope in tomorrow. 

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honour depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

This is where I am rooting my trust; from here I will let it grow.

⁷ 

Click here for Part 2 (Miscarriage Confirmed)

My Latest Life Lesson

Oh what a day. There is so much that I have to learn. My human nature thrives on believing that I have it figured it out and under control. The human nature thrives, but in turn the spirit suffers. There is so much I want to share with the faith that I cannot be the only woman who falls prey to lies. There are times that require discretion, though. I realize that our culture operates on everything being out in the open. Facebook is a virtual clothesline that displays dirty laundry for an unlimited number of passers-by. I see no virtue in this practice.

Suffice to say, God is revealing to me His beautiful vision for His grown-up daughters whom He loves so dearly. Lately, I have been grumbling to God about hormones. At this point, men may scratch their heads, or roll their eyes, or hold on to the edges of their laptop to stave off the on-coming sermon. Women are nodding their head, tearing in their eyes because they relate instantaneously and are raising their hands to encourage the preaching! But brothers, before you click to close the tab or type something else in the Google window, bear with my blog a little longer.

I have come to the conclusion that the chemistry of hormones is from God’s skillful and masterly hand because it is the fuel that helps the female body function in fantastic and mysterious ways. The crazy mood swings and excuses that come as a by-product of said hormones have to be straight from the sneering smug kisser of the devil himself because it creates nothing but chaos, conflict and sorrow. 

I am no science major, so I couldn't begin to describe the amazing way a woman's body works and how necessary those hormones are to not just to maintain life in a balanced state, but also to create and maintain the development of a life itself. For those who are willing to study and learn, a woman's body (not her exterior) but her mechanics are a work of art and the function of hormones are key to the whole masterpiece. I am not going to deviate onto an anti-Darwinistic jaunt, but I will say that whenever I consider science, particularly human biology, it points to an amazing creator, a genius mind, a supreme force that omits not one single detail.

Generally, the word "hormones" is a dirty two-syllable word that is associated with the most unattractive side a woman could ever reveal. We immediately think of a women behaving irrationally or viciously, even. We think of scary witches, chomping on ineffective prozac and men cowering or pulling their hair out by the roots because they have no idea how to slay the dragon that has been unleashed from within otherwise happy loving creatures. I'm not going to lie: I have had episodes that leave me feeling like a completely different person. I do not recognize the shrill voice, the sobbing gasps or cruel words coming out of me. I think, "What is this? and how has it twisted me into this unrecognizable person?" I know that I am not alone in this, that is why I am honest enough to own up to the behaviour and, though it KILLS me to confess, occasionally using the "H" word to justify it. 

Do you know the definition of "wicked"? No, I haven't changed the subject. The English word "wicked" originated from the old Anglo-Saxon word wiker (or "wicker" in the present-day spelling) which meant to twist i.e. a candle "wick" is called that because it is twisted  Something happens to us. Poisonous thoughts laced with paranoia dissolve into our conscious minds convincing us to believe a warped perception of a situation and convicting us of being no good. Something gets twisted in our thinking and in our reactions and that "twist" is wicked. It must be one of satan's favourite ways to create division and conflict in our relationships. 

I realize I am opening myself up for a lot "knowledgeable" people to argue with me that this, in fact, has nothing to do with the spiritual, but is scientific and it is just something we need to accept or prescribe against. I am not arguing the physical and the biological. I wouldn't dare because it is the handiwork of God, but I am going to be bold enough to say that, as a woman, when you see yourself spiraling out of control and you see that panic in the non-hormonal-person's face, I think that the evil one is messing with us and that we can fight it with the power of Jesus Christ.

The following is a passage that I used to have pinned up on my bedroom wall (and I think I may reinstating it soon). 

 "We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

When I am having a melt down, I turn on myself like a vicious cat having a bad day. I convict myself of being "no good," "failing," and "not worth the bother." I do not merely hurt myself with such unfounded accusations, but I hurt those around me who love me. My head fills with lies and in a weakened state, I swallow the lies whole and fall apart. But what if I were to stop, call the thoughts lies from the devil and call on Christ to capture these "rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey" Him. As Paul says, these thoughts are unworldly weapons that satan uses as an "obstacle that keeps [us] from knowing God." We are daughters of God, brides of Christ, loved with an everlasting love and are eligible to enter into a covenant that will keep us inseparable from God from now and all through eternity. This is the truth; this is the answer to fear that overwhelms us at times of PMS, pregnancy, menopause, depression, chemical imbalance and the list goes on.

I'm not Tom Cruise. I am not about to call psychiatry a quack's profession and tel people with mental illness to abandon medication or say that mood swings are not part of our reality and we can control it with our mind. Yes, I am speaking contrary to scientology and new age beliefs and if you don't like it, sit on it. I am saying that when we are hit by hormones, by tidal waves of emotions that came out of nowhere like a tsunami after an earth quake, we can turn to God in these times as well. There is nothing that He cannot help us overcome.  

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2 Sisters, turn to God in your time of distress and call on Christ to disarm those weapons of deceit that are besieging you. And brothers, if you are in anyway God-fearing, fight for your woman with prayers against the devil and call upon the Lord to protect her mind and heart. Support her with love, and for Pete's sake, don't try to fix it, Tim Taylor! Call on the Lord to rescue and defend His daughters. It is not God's will for hormones to oppress a woman, marriage or family a minute longer. That is a truth that I am going to carry with me for each day left in my naturally born-female-existence. Can I get an "Amen"?!