Cambiare (Change)

Life is about to change. I should say, "Life is about to change again." I feel a little stalled in my reflection right now because as I think back over the near six months, so much comes flooding towards me: the steps taken in faith, the tears shed, and the wakefulness in the wee hours when I turned the world over in my head. Some days seemed to pass like dreams and some dreams seemed to last for days. I had never lived moment by moment before. Giving up planning and expectations had never occurred to me. I did not know that I could survive without knowing what was going to happen next. "I am not there yet. I will cross that bridge when it's the proper time." I promise you such language has never passed my lips, at least not with any degree of sincerity. Then again, I never took a time out from life before.

"I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road

If the Bible is right, the world will explode

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hot to touch

The human mind can only stand so much

You can’t win with a losing hand"

This is a verse from Dylan's song "Things Have Changed." I don't think I could ever have the courage to analyze a Bob Dylan original; I have too much sobriety. Even if I were to succeed, there is no guarantee that I would ever be the same again. However, I not only could, but habitually do, interpret his songs and those of other artists with all of my senses. The words and melody pass through my ears into my brain from which they are transmitted through my body, but the song is changed into a language that only I can understand and emotions that only I can feel. So, at the beginning of my journey, the song sounded like this:

"I’ve been walking twenty-five years of bad road

If the Bible is right, I've reaped what I've sowed

I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can

Some things are too hard to touch

This heart of mine can only stand so much

I've been playing with a losing hand"

Every moment, every experience, every choice I ever made lead to me to that place. There are people who are sponsored to run for charities or to draw awareness for a cure. The marathon I was running was bound for destruction and my sponsors were lies, self-hatred and hopelessness. Fortunately for me, God did not give me a spirit of fear. One of the bridges in this song goes, "Lot of water under the bridge, lot of other stuff too. Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through." Oh yes, this experience was not like playing "Pooh Sticks." I did not drop a pinecone's worth of emotion into a creek and gleefully watch it pass under a bridge through to the other side. It was more like observing one's own colonic. And no, I didn't come to stay. I went to rest at a divine crossroads where many other weary travellers were "only passing through."

I went in droning a dissonant tune from an old lament and I am coming out feverishly whistling the melody of a new anthem. An artful way of saying that, I need to filter through that verse one more time.

"I’ve been walking six months of steep road

If the Bible is right, I can let down this load

My inner voice is crying out as loud as she can

Denial and I are now out of touch

This heart of mine has grown so much

I've been raised up by a mighty hand"

Now that I am at risk of being sued for plagiarism or desecrating a classic, you might as well check out the real song for yourself. :-) "Things Have Changed" - Bob Dylan - from the film "The Wonder Boys"

Man vs. the Wild

I am not a member of the PETA group. I did not grow up in the country. "Forget Old Yeller", I cried at "Air Bud." I love animals and cannot bear the thought of these precious creatures being hurt. I'm not a vegetarian, though thanks to Gillian McKeith, I don't think that I'll ever be able to eat another hot dog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CySktp2C_kM

So to put me on the spectrum, I would have to be somewhere in the middle; perhaps an animal lover who lives in ignorance? The mere thought of animal cruelty makes me nauseous, yet I do try to keep a practical frame of mind. Even the cutest furry creatures can cause disease and infestation, and when that happens: you've got to do what you've got to do.

The local pigeons, that is to say one particular female pigeon, decided that my mother's balcony was an ideal place to lay her future hatchlings. Unfortunately this avian mother's plans did not jive with those of my mother. At her request, I have disposed of four eggs in as nearly many days. FACT: Pigeons will take over balconies, if you let them. With bold audacity, these birds start to redecorate the landscape adding a "personal touch" with squirts of toxicity. That is just for starters. Beware, with no intervention, those plump little coo-ers can transform a cozy balcony with a lovely view into a bio-hazardous zone where even angels fear to tread. (I wish I could find the video of "Colin and Justin on the Estate" to give a visual of how bad it can be.) Does it sound like I am trying to justify my involvement in the demise of four wee unhatched pigeons? Maybe a little.

Upon my arrival at my mother's this afternoon, I made it my priority to clear away the new nest. I peered out the window and spotted the mother

laying on her latest deposit. I grabbed a broom from the closet and decided to bring reinforcements: It was time to rouse beautiful Bagheera out of the closet. She can be trustworthy on the balcony, and she has shown generally good hunting skills in the past (mice, a few centipedes and even a bat). I figured that she could intimidate the pigeon, driving it away from it's nest, while I went for the eggs. Baghy was a little bewildered at being abruptly awoken from her nap, flung under my arm and plopped outside. The eyes of cat and bird met. Baghy lowered and cocked her head forward. The pigeon rose onto her talons. Then my ferocious feline turned on her heels and went scurrying back to the balcony door. Like an over-achieving mother, I prodded her to go after the bird, but it was a lost cause. I shooed it away with a broom and scooped up the eggs in the dust pan. I asked Bagheera why she retreated so early on in the stand-off, but she declined to comment.

The eggs had been disposed of and it was time for me to relax. I was about to get cozy in my Mom's bed when I saw that the mother bird had returned to her little bits of dried grass. At first she pecked at them, then, with one strand pinched in her beak, she began to pace in a large circle. I'm no ornithologist, but I watched her for several minutes. At first, I humanized the situation, thinking that she was looking for her lost eggs. Then I began to wonder if there was more method in the ritual she was performing. I have learned that animals do not do a single thing without a reason. Their whole existence is founded on instincts of survival and an inherent obedience to the natural cycle of life.

After a few more minutes, the pigeon settled by sticking her bottom in the air and squishing it in the corner of the balcony; another curious thing.

Animals seem to have been created pre-programmed with their function and the necessary skills to survive. The cycle of their existence continues to revolve regardless of industrial evolution. Their lifestyles are not flexible. They are indifferent to the expectations humans may have for them. Most apartment renters do not a family of pigeons taking over their balconies, country dwellers do not want squirrels hibernating in their walls, gardeners do not want to share their prized vegetable patches with hungry bunnies, there isn't a single corner of the house where mice are welcome, and the list goes on. Are any of these creatures concerned about the needs of man kind? Do they see their point of view? Well, they are not easily deterred and, like Jack the Cat who was told to hit the road, they come back!

For those of you who have stuck with the post this far, you might be wondering what my point is....Good Question! I guess I am presenting a topic for conversation; it certainly is a controversial one. In this world, there are extremists whom have chosen to have themselves neutered in order that the dominance of the globe may return to the untamed beasts of the wild! On the other hand, I might have been struck by the beauty of these mammals who endure the brunt of pollution, continual eviction and the threat of extinction. And yet, they withstand it all with constancy. It makes me thing of the passage,

"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they?" - Matthew 6:26

"What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it." - Matthew 10:29

My final thought is that the resilience of the animals is a fraction of the power and potential that is ours for the taking. :-)