Oh to have Liz Taylor's Beauty, Oprah's Money, and Pam Beasley's Husband (Gotta Love that Jim Halpert!!)

I mentioned in a previous post that I am reading “So Long, Insecurity” by Beth Moore. From the moment I read the title, I felt that this would be a great book for me to read. I have been burdened with insecurities most of my life. Of course we live in this society with an “immediate gratification” philosophy. I will read some chapters, feel inspired and the pounds of insecurity will just melt away. Sounds good, no? It does, but it is not at all reasonable. No, I have to dig deep. I actually have to face the facets of myself that frustrate me, haunt me, shame me and outrage me.

I don’t think that there is a single person out there that wants to be a slave to irrational fears. No woman aspires to being hysterical 100% of the time. We resent it when we see it in other people and, speaking for myself, would rather not acknowledge it in ourselves. Beth Moore is not going to let her readers get away with that!

In our little community of friends, neighbours, classmates, co-workers, fellow worshipers and family members, I wish that we could all be honest with each other about what drives our fears. Can you picture that? Hundreds of women responding openly to a roll-call of insecurities. It almost sounds dangerous. Would it change how we feel about each other? Definitely. I think of what a friend of mine shared about a woman she saw at the park. This woman was gorgeous. She was the type we would think “has it all.” She didn’t, however. She was recently divorced and suffering from terrible loneliness. What would it be like to look at the women who are confident, stunning, composed, popular, funny, and well-dressed and know that they don’t feel any better about themselves than we do about ourselves.

These are common ‘false positives’ or sources of insecurity:

“If only I could be thinner.”

“If only I were prettier.”

“If only I had a good man in my life.”

“If only I were more out going.”

“If only I were funnier.”

“If only I were smarter.”

“If only I had more education.”

“If only I had more job security.”

“If only I were popular.”

“If only I had more money.”

“If only I were apart of the ‘in-crowd.’”

“If only I had children.”

“If only [fill in the blank].”

I think everyone should take time to ponder what fear is motivating them. For me, my insecurities are based on my appearance and relationships. I value myself on how I appear and on how I am treated. When I am a few pounds heavier, I don’t feel fit to leave the house and face people. I am more disciplined with exercise and diet when I am doing it to please a man, which in turn will help me feel better about myself. How sad is that, really? If you summed up your ‘false positives’ in a few straight-forward sentences, I think that you would feel the same way I do. You would be stunned and torn between bawling in shame or laughing at your own ridiculous thoughts.

The bottom line is to be happy in who we are, right? More than that. We need to be happy in who God created us to be and draw security from Jesus who dwells with in us. This will sound far-fetched to someone of different beliefs. However, it is true. Knowing that there is an all-powerful God who created us with great detail and purpose is life changing.

Tonight, I felt led to look at my life through a different perspective; through the confident side of my soul that is nourished by Jesus love for me. Whether you believe in Christ or not, it is something worth trying. Look back 6 months, perhaps more, and honestly list the series of trials and triumphs you have been living through. Don’t spend any time focusing on regrets or mistakes. Just look at all the good things you have experienced and accomplished in the light of difficulties you have been facing. I am not going to list mine here but I will say that I saw so much good. I could see my successes, the battles I have overcome, the times I was confident, the times I was strong, and I saw my plans for the future. There was a lot to be proud of and thankful for. Bottom line? I did it all without weighing 120 pounds or having Mr. Right whispering ‘sweet nothings’ in my ear.

Let me say that again:

Look at Your Life + All Accomplishments & Triumphs – Things You Wish You Could Change About Yourself = A Lot to Be Secure About!!!

+ You took a courageous new move/step in your life – without being 10 pounds thinner.

+ You received good grades/evaluations at your school/job – without having the ideal man in your life.

+ You made a difference in someone’s life through love and kindness – without being the popular one.

+ You survived an illness/loss with strength inspiring many others – without being more attractive.

+ You are smart and successful at what you do – without being perfect and in control of everything.

+ You have a loving family all around you that gives you great joy – without having a mansion and the money to keep it running.

+ You are a single mother raising children that are smart, talented with great potential who are healthy and know that they are loved – without a man or a better job or more money or a nicer home with nicer furniture or without you being the smartest, thinnest, prettiest, wittiest woman in town!

You are living a blessed, successful life with many things to be thankful for and you are doing it without even being secure in whom you are. You did it being who you are; not more like someone else.

I did it without being at my ideal weight or being married with four children! I did it with the strength and character with which God has given me!

Thankful List

I am thankful for:

• the promise that “though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning.”
• snowball fights with cotton balls.
• four-year-old boys who explain to you “we can’t make the sounds of the dinosaurs because the paleontologists don’t know what sounds they made.”
• two-year-old girls who remember your name after meeting them only once, and ask you every three minutes “Sarah, what are you doing?”
• that Hamilton is finally experiencing winter and there is snow everywhere!
• that Canada has done SO WELL at the Olympics.
• for the courage of Joannie Rochette.
• for good friends and family members.
• for awesome superintendants that catch your mail (important T4 slip) from your last apartment before it gets redirected!
• for Gymboree bubbles. They are the coolest things!
• for the policeman, CAA tow-truck man, and real-life Samaritan who took such good care of my mother when her car died on the bend of the Clairmont access.
• for Jesus. Sometimes you have to leave the best things for last!

A Letter to Depression

Depression:

You have been loyal and in every trial and crisis you have been right there by my side. You have offered me comfort, advice. You have sworn an oath to never leave me. You have been in my life 12 years.

You have been a faithful, but heartless friend. I have never sought a relationship with you. In fact, I have done everything I can to shake you off. You may have presented yourself as a friend, but you are a wicked enemy. You have been as loyal as a killer pursuing my life. Your comfort is pain; your advice is lies. You have stayed by my side only to gloat in my sufferings. But the promise you have made to me is truth: you are committed to staying by my side if only to see your purpose through, which is to destroy me.

In 12 years, you have come to know me well. You know my secrets, my insecurities, my vulnerable spots, my regrets; you remind me of them often. You even know my aspirations and dreams, although you always overlook my successes. Despite your intimate knowledge of my life’s history, I must point out that you don’t know me. I don’t say that as a teenager who smirks and snaps her fingers in a zig-zag motion. That isn’t strong enough. Picture Xena the Warrior Princess, Eowyn from Lord of the Rings, Eliza Doolittle, Cleopatra, or Katarina from Taming of the Shrew. You Don’t Know Me! You don’t know me or my strength. You cannot rival my determination or my will in this fight. Why? First of all, I am a woman. Our strength is unparalleled by man. Secondly, my strength comes through my faith in God. You should tremble at His name. The strength that He has graciously sowed in the core of my soul is great.

This is a season that will pass. I am not hopeless. I worry for what is at stake in the here and now, but that is as far as it goes. This time will be a memory from which I will draw even more strength. At this point, like in the ending of “The First Wives Club”, I feel the urge to belt out “You don’t own me!” like Bette Midler, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn.

I do hope that you have listened well, Depression. I don’t know when we will part ways for good, but you will not defeat me. You will not destroy me. You have been forewarned.

So Long, Insecurity

Though my room is still a mess of balled up clothing, poorly-balanced piles of papers and books, random empty plastic bags on the floor and my father's empty coke bottles on the desk, tonight my room feels like a safe and relaxing place. I set up some lamps on either side of my bed so I don't have to have the harsh ceiling light on. I have been listening to a mix of yoga music and Mozart. Granted, I feel my stress level rise as I look at the disorganization around me, but sitting up in my bed, I am in a cozy haven.

Tonight, I started reading Beth Moore's latest book, "So Long, Insecurity. You're been a bad friend to us." I have been waiting for this with great anticipation! I am participating in her online study blog. Over 6,000 women are journeying through their battle with insecurity together. It's definitely the biggest study group that I have ever been apart of. lol

As I am making posts each week, I thought that I would copy them here and expand on them.

Chapter One: Mad Enough to Change

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

The first chapter has struck hard in more than one area. My struggle with insecurities/boundaries has invaded many facets of my life, but the hardest blow has wounded my relationships with men; or as it has been pointed out in Chapter 1, my expectations of men.

One particular relationship came strongly to my mind as I read. I have been torn between drowning myself in blame or poisoning my view of men by thinking “once more, they are all the same.” I am willing to accept that there are equal portions from both options (it wasn’t a healthy relationship), but sitting down and facing what I did wrong is very uncomfortable. I unloaded a lot of my insecurity on him. I wanted him to undo past wrongs and give me the hope I needed to survive. I think that God removed me from that relationship because I needed to trust Him instead. Truthfully, I felt as though a steel veil had been lifted the day of the break up. I could see God in a way I had not experienced for probably 10 years.

Chapter 2: Insecure Enough to Matter

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

Some quotes

“I don’t just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself.” P. 18

“Insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. That’s where it becomes an art form.” P. 19

Beth gave us a definition of insecurity cited from Joseph Nowinski's "The Tender Heart: Conquering Your Insecurity." The second part of the definition hit me quite hard. I think that I do set myself up with completely unreasonable expectations. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that it is connected to my depression. I am a perfectionist and I cannot abide falling short. Last night, my friend Sonja described herself as having once looked to others opinion of her to rate her own self-worth. I thought to myself, I am glad that is not me. Now having finished chapter two, I realize that it is most certainly me!! Every day, I wake up with unreasonable expectations. Usually I feel like a failure by the time I am walking out the door to face my day. Today was my first day to relax after a busy week of commitments. I was beating myself up that I hadn’t done more work, studying or cleaning. I had to do some self-talk to realize that I deserved an easy day with little in it. There was nothing wrong with having some down time.

The ground work has been laid for me to come to terms with the insecurities still lurking in the deep waters of my soul. I have my eyes set on the goal: God transform me into a secure woman in Him.

I think that this book is well worth the read, and it is not too late to join the blog.

Testimonies and Love Stories

My heart is so full! What a beautiful night! God blessed 150 women pretty fiercely tonight. It was an honour to share. Tonight was a huge night. I think approximately 16 brave women stood in front a room full of women (friends, best friends, acquaintances and total strangers) and they shared from their heart. They exposed their struggles. They boldly declared the messiness of their personal life. But it didn't end there... They revealed the true source of their peace and joy. We live our lives oblivious to our bondage. We hear from the pulpit and how we should live. We know the "Sunday School" answers. It is a rare occurrence to have so many women proclaim their freedom.

The reality of life is harsh and scary. However, we are united in our troubles and pain. Pain is universal regardless of its source. I spoke with strangers, hugged them and shared with them like they were old family. We bonded from every table in the room.

I have wonderful thoughts that I would love to share. I got a little distracted by hooting and hollering in the parking lot. Then a bunch of guys talking loudly in the hall. Did I mention that it's midnight?? The joys of apartment dwelling.

I can only hope and pray that women took something meaningful from this event (be it ever so small). As for myself, I do not feel like I left the same woman I was when I walked in at 5:30 p.m.

More thoughts will come later. Until then, it is bedtime.