Waiting for a Miscarriage or a Miracle (Pt.1)

There are a lot of uncertainties in life. I always thought that the older I grew, the more I would know and understand. I guess it is true and I do become wiser with years, but all I am learning is that there is so much I do not know.

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning,

and let the discerning get guidance."

Proverbs 1:5

 I am increasingly convinced that there is no such thing as being in control. It's a concept; a state of mind. I do not believe that it is an actual capability, which will come has a hard blow to all the type A personalities out there. Perhaps that is why the Bible is continually encouraging us to submit, surrender, put our trust in God, hope in Him and not in man, and to seek all of our needs through His kingdom.

"There is no rock like our God." 1 Samuel 2:2

"All things are possible through Him who gives me strength." Phil. 3:14

"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Matt 6:33

"Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight." Prov. 3:5, 6

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8

What if this tug of war with God is just in our minds? It isn't God trying to control and dominate the earthlings. He is trying to teach us that He is the way, truth and life. We have no control; choice, yes; control, no. Near the end of His life, King Solomon concluded that there is no activity, no possession, no quantity of riches, no relationship, no belief system that is of any value apart from God. "meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless." We get so personally involved in what we do or believe. We invest our pride and reputation in our politics, our denomination, our lifestyle. There are so many ways that we esteem ourselves that in the greater scheme of things they must seem so petty to our God.

"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding." 

Daniel 2:20, 21

The title of the blog makes it painfully evident of my current struggle. I am waiting for the verdict like a grieving parent in a courthouse. Pacing, trying not to fret, bingeing, waiting to be swept away in a tidal wave of emotion regardless of the outcome. I have no control over what is happening in my body. I do not know if I am carrying around an empty sac waiting for the pain of a miscarriage to hit me, or if there is a heartbeat yet to be detected that will save this baby's life and our hearts from breaking. 

I do not know if a literal pergatory exists, but I feel that we can experience a season in pergatory on earth. Through health issues, financial crises, times of war, battles played out through the judicial system, and further scenarios, we find ourselves trapped on a highway between heaven and hell. It's either good news or bad news. No one recalls enrolling in the waiting game, but they are incapable of walking away from the game board until the final round is played. Yet it's an interesting paradox because though time seems to stand still, the world doesn't stop, but keeps orbiting. It isn't always possible to bring everything to a halt to catch your breath. You have to keep going about your day because life doesn't stop until it's over. It's hard to reconcile. It's hard to find the balance between not giving up hope, but protecting your heart from disappointment too.

I have painted a very bleak picture, I know. I can only imagine how I must be bringing an innocent reader down. I am not leaving off here in the "depths of despair" though, because at the beginning I listed all of the reasons why we can faith when we are in a pit. So I will defend the last two paragraphs by saying that this is how I feel, nor I am alone in this trial. I know Kevin must be feeling something quite similar. This is the truth. King David, who was said to be a man after God's own heart, never gave pretence to the thoughts and emotions that plagued him in dark hours.

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.

How long, Lord, how long?

Turn, Lord, and deliver me;

save me because of your unfailing love.

Among the dead no one proclaims your name.

Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes."
Psalm 6:2-7

This will be the third loss to grieve in a row in three months. I may not be as symptomatically devastated as David, but my heart intimately knows what he is describing. By appearances, I am able to function normally and resume life as though nothing has happened. I can even convince myself for several hours at a time. I am grateful that I can. Then something will jog my memory and I realize that I still have not quite let go yet. I don't think I will be able to until our baby's fate is confirmed. 

But in the meantime and beyond, "I will not die, but live to declare the works of the Lord." I know the pain in my heart, I see the tiredness in my husband's face, the concern in the eyes of family and friends, and I will call it as I see it. Not only that, I will look up from this pit and see the light above and have faith. I will face tomorrow and trust because I have no choice. There is nothing I could conjure up, no plot I could scheme that will fix anything. This situation is not hopeless, but I recognize that I have no control over what lead us here or what awaits around the bend. However, I do get to decide how I let this affect me. In honest truth, I want to fight and wrestle with God. But the Lord is not an unjust God. Jesus knows our heart and feels the same pain and sadness we feel. The story doesn't end with me clinging to Kevin and sobbing. That might be my reality for the next few days, but each day will get better and there is hope in tomorrow. 

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honour depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

This is where I am rooting my trust; from here I will let it grow.

⁷ 

Click here for Part 2 (Miscarriage Confirmed)

My Latest Life Lesson

Oh what a day. There is so much that I have to learn. My human nature thrives on believing that I have it figured it out and under control. The human nature thrives, but in turn the spirit suffers. There is so much I want to share with the faith that I cannot be the only woman who falls prey to lies. There are times that require discretion, though. I realize that our culture operates on everything being out in the open. Facebook is a virtual clothesline that displays dirty laundry for an unlimited number of passers-by. I see no virtue in this practice.

Suffice to say, God is revealing to me His beautiful vision for His grown-up daughters whom He loves so dearly. Lately, I have been grumbling to God about hormones. At this point, men may scratch their heads, or roll their eyes, or hold on to the edges of their laptop to stave off the on-coming sermon. Women are nodding their head, tearing in their eyes because they relate instantaneously and are raising their hands to encourage the preaching! But brothers, before you click to close the tab or type something else in the Google window, bear with my blog a little longer.

I have come to the conclusion that the chemistry of hormones is from God’s skillful and masterly hand because it is the fuel that helps the female body function in fantastic and mysterious ways. The crazy mood swings and excuses that come as a by-product of said hormones have to be straight from the sneering smug kisser of the devil himself because it creates nothing but chaos, conflict and sorrow. 

I am no science major, so I couldn't begin to describe the amazing way a woman's body works and how necessary those hormones are to not just to maintain life in a balanced state, but also to create and maintain the development of a life itself. For those who are willing to study and learn, a woman's body (not her exterior) but her mechanics are a work of art and the function of hormones are key to the whole masterpiece. I am not going to deviate onto an anti-Darwinistic jaunt, but I will say that whenever I consider science, particularly human biology, it points to an amazing creator, a genius mind, a supreme force that omits not one single detail.

Generally, the word "hormones" is a dirty two-syllable word that is associated with the most unattractive side a woman could ever reveal. We immediately think of a women behaving irrationally or viciously, even. We think of scary witches, chomping on ineffective prozac and men cowering or pulling their hair out by the roots because they have no idea how to slay the dragon that has been unleashed from within otherwise happy loving creatures. I'm not going to lie: I have had episodes that leave me feeling like a completely different person. I do not recognize the shrill voice, the sobbing gasps or cruel words coming out of me. I think, "What is this? and how has it twisted me into this unrecognizable person?" I know that I am not alone in this, that is why I am honest enough to own up to the behaviour and, though it KILLS me to confess, occasionally using the "H" word to justify it. 

Do you know the definition of "wicked"? No, I haven't changed the subject. The English word "wicked" originated from the old Anglo-Saxon word wiker (or "wicker" in the present-day spelling) which meant to twist i.e. a candle "wick" is called that because it is twisted  Something happens to us. Poisonous thoughts laced with paranoia dissolve into our conscious minds convincing us to believe a warped perception of a situation and convicting us of being no good. Something gets twisted in our thinking and in our reactions and that "twist" is wicked. It must be one of satan's favourite ways to create division and conflict in our relationships. 

I realize I am opening myself up for a lot "knowledgeable" people to argue with me that this, in fact, has nothing to do with the spiritual, but is scientific and it is just something we need to accept or prescribe against. I am not arguing the physical and the biological. I wouldn't dare because it is the handiwork of God, but I am going to be bold enough to say that, as a woman, when you see yourself spiraling out of control and you see that panic in the non-hormonal-person's face, I think that the evil one is messing with us and that we can fight it with the power of Jesus Christ.

The following is a passage that I used to have pinned up on my bedroom wall (and I think I may reinstating it soon). 

 "We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

When I am having a melt down, I turn on myself like a vicious cat having a bad day. I convict myself of being "no good," "failing," and "not worth the bother." I do not merely hurt myself with such unfounded accusations, but I hurt those around me who love me. My head fills with lies and in a weakened state, I swallow the lies whole and fall apart. But what if I were to stop, call the thoughts lies from the devil and call on Christ to capture these "rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey" Him. As Paul says, these thoughts are unworldly weapons that satan uses as an "obstacle that keeps [us] from knowing God." We are daughters of God, brides of Christ, loved with an everlasting love and are eligible to enter into a covenant that will keep us inseparable from God from now and all through eternity. This is the truth; this is the answer to fear that overwhelms us at times of PMS, pregnancy, menopause, depression, chemical imbalance and the list goes on.

I'm not Tom Cruise. I am not about to call psychiatry a quack's profession and tel people with mental illness to abandon medication or say that mood swings are not part of our reality and we can control it with our mind. Yes, I am speaking contrary to scientology and new age beliefs and if you don't like it, sit on it. I am saying that when we are hit by hormones, by tidal waves of emotions that came out of nowhere like a tsunami after an earth quake, we can turn to God in these times as well. There is nothing that He cannot help us overcome.  

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2 Sisters, turn to God in your time of distress and call on Christ to disarm those weapons of deceit that are besieging you. And brothers, if you are in anyway God-fearing, fight for your woman with prayers against the devil and call upon the Lord to protect her mind and heart. Support her with love, and for Pete's sake, don't try to fix it, Tim Taylor! Call on the Lord to rescue and defend His daughters. It is not God's will for hormones to oppress a woman, marriage or family a minute longer. That is a truth that I am going to carry with me for each day left in my naturally born-female-existence. Can I get an "Amen"?!

The Last Bit of Oil & Flour

I love it when I find grown-up applications from the Bible stories I recall from childhood. It is special to see how seeds that were sown by my parents and Sunday school teachers through story telling are sustaining me twenty years later. 

Over the last year, I have been drawing from one of the miracles performed through Elijah. He was a prophet during the reign of King Ahab, probably the most evil king Israel ever saw. If that name doesn't ring a bell, Queen Jezebel, his wife, most certainly will. As a result of their wicked ways, Elijah told this royal power couple that there would be no more rain or dew unless he said so. Then, he immediately went into hiding as Queen Jezebel went on a bloodthirsty killing spree of prophets. God sustained him during that time providing him ravens to bring him food and a brook to give him water. Naturally, with no rain, the brook dried up, so the Lord sent him to a town called Zarephath. Elijah was told to be on the look out for a widow. Upon his arrival, he saw her gathering sticks not far from the town gate. He asked her to bring him a little jar of water and a piece of bread. Now the widow was quite willing to fetch him some water, but the piece of bread was a big request. She honestly told him, “As surely as the LORD your God lives, I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.” 

It's a heartbreaking scene. It is just her and her loved one. She is poor, also suffering from the drought, and about to use up her last natural resources. In the mind of this widow, there is no hope. They will feed their hunger pains one last time and then die. 

In our Western society, we don't experience the harsh reality of drought too often, certainly not to the point of dying of starvation. But some of us do know the hardship of poverty, the lack of resources and the hopelessness that can come from it. This past winter, Kevin and I entered into a season of "financial" drought. We were married on New Year's Eve in Niagara Falls. We truly had the wedding day of both our dreams: a modest ceremony and celebration--simple and intimate--that transpired without a glitch and did NOT put us into debt! We were blessed beyond measure! We began married life January 1st, 2012 without a penny of credit card debt to our name. Kevin was laid off for the winter season just before Christmas. The timing wasn't ideal, but we had a plan and we had faith. He applied for E.I. well in advance; the Service Canada agent said that it all seemed in order. All we had to do was wait for the first deposit. God had blessed me with a low rent apartment months before (that's low "cost" rent, not low "small means and no class" rent). We had minimal expenses, I was working, and with the generous wedding gifts, we could easily swing it for five weeks if it took that long. Aye, that was the rub. We waited more than five weeks. 

I put the monetary gifts in a little red box in our apartment. I used diligence and tried to go in there as little as possible, but eventually bills were due and the bank account was getting low. I watched the balance drop, dipped more and more in the box, until there was a single Sir-Robert-Borden left. Don't worry Americans; even the Canadian readers are scratching their heads trying to figure out who that is. $100 was left in the box.

The parallel should be obvious at this point. Were we on the brink of starvation or bankruptcy? No. Could we have borrowed money if we needed to? Yes (as a last resort). We were feeling the pressure though. To use that last bill was going to require faith because it was still a week away from my next paycheck. Now before you start reaching for tissues, I caution you to wait because with God there is always hope.

So, the widow has just laid out her plight to Elijah, but he answers her back with words of hope and a challenge for her to have faith in their God. In response, he says,  “Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’” The Bible says that she went away and did as Elijah told her. Being a woman, I can't help but wonder if she leaped up and prepared the food without thinking twice. At the very least, I can imagine her weighing out the pros and cons as she is walking back to the house. After all, this was going to mean less food for her and her son. Could she believe Elijah? It's not like she could quickly check him out on Facebook and verify that he listed "Prophet, Messenger of God" as his job on his profile. In all seriousness, it would require a lot of faith to carry those instructions out. Praise God that she did for He was faithful as always! There was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. The jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry! Read 1 Kings 17 if you don't believe me.

On a Sunday morning in early February, Kevin and I headed down to the beach. We spent our time between discussion and prayer. In my experience, whenever I seek God when out in nature, it is always a divine appointment. But this wasn't one of those sunny, feel good, God is good because we haven't a care in the world kind of meeting. It was overcast, windy, and lightly raining. This was one of those get serious, cling to God's promises because you have nowhere else to turn moments. Married a month, we were looking ahead to the future. Where did we want to live? What did we want to do? What did we want our life to look like? These and many more big questions were at the forefront of our minds. We huddled together beside a rock to keep warm and to be close as we prayed. Jointly we felt enveloped by the Holy Spirit with comfort, hope and strength. We both saw a similar vision of the many ways God was going to bless us. By the time we returned to the car, we both felt strengthened in will, faith and endurance. Refreshed in spirit, I could withdraw that last bill out of the red box with confidence. We stocked up on groceries and praised God. 

When I returned from work that night, Kevin had great news. He had received a phone call that $50 was coming for us as a wedding gift. The next morning, a card was in the letterbox from a relative. Inside was a cheque for $75. In less than 24 hours, God had replenished our box; we were up $25 from the day before. It was at this time, that I thought of the story of Elijah and the widow. I told Kevin that I knew our little red box would never stay empty!

If you know the Bible story well, you may recall that after the initial blessing, the widow's faith and even Elijah's faith were tested one more time. In summary, the widow's son became very sick to the point of death. Overcome with fear and grief, the widow accused Elijah of having come to bring judgment on her. Does that relate at all? Crisis hits and immediately assume that God is punishing us. We see trials as an affliction put on us by an arbitrary God. I am not about to presume to know the mind of God and say that He allows these things for a reason, nor will I say that God has nothing to do with it. All I will say, because this is what I have learned, if trials do come, fall at the feet of Jesus. Surrender the situation into His nail-pierced that bore sin and death for you. If you have Christ in your life know that He already took away the judgment. There is no more condemnation. So don't think that God is punishing you through the hard times, but know that there is nothing more than blessing to be given. The God that sacrificed and resurrected His son will carry you through. Elijah pleaded for God to give back the life to the widow's son and, you guessed right, God granted it. 

About a week after our morning at the beach, we were still waiting for the E.I. It was by no means easy, but we were given sufficient faith each day and believed that God would be our provider. Six and a half days of waiting, then the unexpected happened. Kevin picked me up from work. As soon as I sat in the car and heard the tone in his voice, I braced myself. He had finally got through to someone with Service Canada. His claim was denied because he was 2 hours short.  Each in our turn, we felt like the wind had been knocked out of us. How could this have happened? The agent in Stratford had been grossly incorrect in her calculation of Kevin's hours. Unfortunately, her error had no impact on the claim; their decision was final. 

Now I am not about prattle on about how we handled this with grace and decorum, or that we didn't bat an eyelash in fear or doubt. I have been honest this far, why would I start lying to you now?! Over the next several weeks, there was tension and spats; we took turns beating ourselves us down with feelings of guilt; periodically doubt would try to grab a foothold and I would cling to Kevin and bawl. BUT before we went to bed each night, we would acknowledge that God was in control. He had brought us so far; He was not going to abandon us now. And over those several weeks, there were more unexpected cards with money; there were deals and coupons in flyers that saved us money; we were supported by friends and family, held up by the righteous right hand of God and we did not see the bottom of that little red box. As a visual to spur us on, I put two bottles on our TV: one had a little oil, the other a little flour. We claimed the promise given to the widow that our resources would not run dry until Kevin was called back to work. 

Would it have been easier to have just received the E.I. or for Kevin to have been working straight through the winter? Absolutely. God would have been providing for our needs as much in that scenario as did for us in reality. The difference is that we would have thought WE were providing for ourselves. I doubt that many people look at their paycheck and say, "God gave me this money." No, we say, "I can't believe how little they paid me! I earned way more than that!" Or is that just me... For the first three months of our marriage, the truth was inescapable. GOD was providing every dollar. The other way would have been easier, but how blessed were we to see God's hand, to experience a visual of God's daily bread. Or as a family friend said, "God loves to reveal Himself!" Some of the ways we received money was miraculous. Kevin needed $40 for the car. The next day, one of my textbooks on kijiji sold for $40 exactly. When we had given up on receiving the E.I. or even trying to open a new claim or appeal, we were contacted from a man relatively high up with Service Canada. Long story short, he gave us the step-by-step to reapply and two weeks later, we got our first deposit!

I could go on, as indeed I already have. The Holy Spirit has been reminding me everyday to write this blog entry, so I didn't want to leave out a detail. When God blesses you in such an amazing way, you need to share it! After Jesus freed a man from a "legion" of demons, He instructed him, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you.”

The Lord has had mercy on us and has blessed us ever so richly. I pray with confidence that He will do the same for you.

Treasures in Proverbs 30 and things I didn't know about hyraxes

Proverbs is one of those books that doesn't get read enough, I think. I can't speak for everyone, but I always think, I should read from this section of the Bible. After all, it is full of advice on daily living. I constantly cling to the verse James 1:5 and pray, "Lord, I lack wisdom, and I know I should ask You, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to me." I wonder if God ever says, "I gave you a book in the Bible with words of wisdom...read it lately?"

Well, I have decided to read a chapter a day, and I am starting from the end and working backwards. Why? Not sure. I am one of those people who sets out to read something, then hits a plateau, never getting to the end. So, why not start at the end and read the things I have always missed? Anyways, enough of my rambling musings. Let's get to the part relevant to the title which is why you are probably reading this in the first place! :-)

This chapter is actually not written by King Solomon. It is my a little-known man named Agur. He was a humble man who declared that he was not all that wise. Verse 1-3, “I am weary, God, but I can prevail. Surely I am only a brute, not a man; I do not have human understanding. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I attained to the knowledge of the Holy One." Despite what Agur says, I believe he must have loved and sought after God with all his heart, soul & mind because his words in this chapter are greatly inspired. Read it for yourselves. These are just excerpts that filled my heart today.

By the way, a hyrax is "a small herbivorous mammal with a compact body and a very short tail, found in arid country in Africa and Arabia." (It will make sense by the end:-)

Visions of God in His Power 

"Who has gone up to heaven and come down? 

Whose hands have gathered up the wind? 

Who has wrapped up the waters in a cloak? 

Who has established all the ends of the earth? 

What is his name, and what is the name of his son? 

Surely you know!"

~ Verse 4 ~

Words to Live By

“Two things I ask of you, LORD; do not refuse me before I die:

 Keep falsehood and lies far from me; 

give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. 

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ 

Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God."

~ Verses 7-9 ~

Observing the World with Delighted Interest  

“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: 

the way of an eagle in the sky,

 the way of a snake on a rock, 

the way of a ship on the high seas, 

and the way of a man with a young woman." 

~ Verses 18 & 19 ~

Learning from Nature  

“Four things on earth are small, yet they are extremely wise: 

Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer; 

hyraxes are creatures of little power, yet they make their home in the crags; 

locusts have no king, yet they advance together in ranks; 

a lizard can be caught with the hand, yet it is found in kings’ palaces."

~ Verses 24-28 ~

Hyrax

Scrambling

This is a journal post from July 2nd, 2011. I meant to post this sooner, but you know how it is!

My friend Janine loves challenging her physical limits. She climbs the escarpment stairs, goes for long hikes in the woods and, get this, she likes to scale waterfalls! I wish that I had her physical strength and endurance. Today, I decided to take a page out of her book and challenge myself in a like way. For me, this required inner strength to push myself out of my comfort zone. Deep down, I know that I have an adventurous spirit that could match hers, but it is my practice to make excuses and pose as a colossal chicken. 

On our walk alongside the train tracks back to the car, I shared some anecdotes to explain where some of my reservations come from. I am, or at least was, every gym teacher or camp counsellor's nightmare. To be fair, they were up there on the "yikes-meter" for me as well. I was the non-athletic, slightly chubby kid with the SPF-to-infinity sunblock, the asthma, the allergies, the irrational fear of all creepy-crawling creatures and very accident-prone to top it all off. I have a deep appreciation for nature, but I'm either allergic to it or intimidated by it. The stories I could tell of my summers as a child (and even in my late teens) could go on for pages! For me, childhood memories of day excursions go hand in hand with stinging antiseptic and antibiotic ointments for the hundreds of bug bites on my legs! To this day, I have an aversion to creams and lotions. This is background information to illustrate a point. I learned early on that it was easier to avoid certain pass times rather than participate and suffer the humiliation of being the weaker member of the group. Excuses and avoidance always seem easier than challenging our shortcomings head-on. The tragedy is that it is never anywhere near as rewarding as being an overcomer!

In the last few years, I have been making a deliberate effort to push my limits far beyond my fears. That is why I took up the invitation to join Janine and her friend Elena on today's excursion. The goal: to reach Tew's Falls-- the tallest waterfall in Hamilton. How was this to be achieved? By going off the beaten track deep into the woods and scale along the side of the escarpment. How long would this take? I was told three hours both ways. Was I up for it? I wasn't too sure, but I was going anyways! With enthusiasm slightly diluted with worry, I ducked into the woods. In single file, we maneuvered up and down steep hills. Janine confidently lead the way and I brought in the rear. As this was my first time, I knew the back of the line was best because I wouldn't be able to move as quickly as the 'scrambling' veterans I was accompanying. There was a basic path to follow and yellow markers left by spray paint to guide the way. But the path itself was over grown with shrubs, uneven, mucky in some areas and snared with tree roots. Discernment was required at all times. Will that rock give me momentum or might it be loose? Should I descend this muddy hill walking upright or by scaling down backwards? Can I keep my balance or should I grab hold of the trees? At various points, I was lagging behind a considerable distance. My mantra was, "Know your strength and don't be a fool." It was better  to go slower with caution than to pridefully attempt their quicker pace and end up falling. I'm afraid that I missed a lot of the natural beauty that surrounded me because my eyes were permanently fixated on Elena's feet. Her shoes were my guide. I remained intently focused on her tread and nothing else.


A few minutes into the hike, the negative talk began its taunt:
"Whatever made you think you could do this?"
"You are too out of shape."
"You aren't going to make it there and back."

Instinctively, my body started to respond physically with anxiety. My heart was racing, I could hear my breath getting heavier. Twenty minutes in, my left calf started to cramp. We stopped at lower Tews which gave me a moment to rest and regroup. It was a pretty sight as is all Hamilton woods. I took a few pictures. A father with his two girls and son bathed  under the waterfall fully clothed. The children laughed and splashed each other. I longed to jump in with them to cool off. A speckled frog was hopping along the bank. I caught it on the first try. Took me back to summer afternoons in Omeemee at Handi*Camp. For a few minutes, I felt that it was worth the trip, but there was one concern looming still. I looked up stream and the main waterfall was still far from sight. My train of thought went something like this:

"This is a lovely spot. I think that I would be content to stop here and miss the big one. I have put in a lot of effort after all. Maybe I could make my way to the campsite and wait for them."


Even though, my mind outlined reasons to quit, my pride was having none of it! We had to go back up the way we had descended into Lower Tews to get back on the trail. I was literally crawling up a mucky slippery slope on my hands and knees. I was covered in mud, I was sweating like I never had before in my life and I was feeling very out of my league. I should add that it was an exceptionally hot and humid day. The final lap to the falls became more intense. Exhaustion was setting in. My legs were starting to feel weak and I was stumbling more and more on the rocks. The mental obstacle was that I had no idea how far away our destination might be. The further we went, the longer the walk back would be. I was feeling discouraged and the urge to cry was bubbling up to the surface. I am happy to say that I refrained from crying although I'm sure that it would have been a wonderful release.


Tews was now in sight. Climbing over a fallen tree gave me a few seconds to stop. At this point, I was pitifully out of breath. My gasps weren't caused by my asthma, but simply from fatigue. Tews looked beautiful in the distance, but never the less I considered packing it in once more.


"Technically, I made it. I accomplished my goal. How close do I really have to get? I could stop here and admire it just as well from a distance."


I have no idea what might have been written on my face at that moment, everything I was thinking or (the bottom line) that I was running out of steam. Regardless, Janine looked at me and said that we would be stopping for a break once we reached the falls. I had made up my mind in the car ride there that I would not whine or do anything to make her regret having asked me along. I had to say though that I had just enough strength to get to the falls and walk back to the car, but that was it!


From there, the two girls made a decent advance on me. The rocks were now covered with moss and quite slippery. I couldn't suppress my panting anymore. I was so close! I tried to speed up to get the last ten yards over with, but each time I would take my eyes off the path in front of me, I would slip and fall. The Apostle Paul told us to always keep our eyes on the prize. Looking ahead to the inviting waterfall helped motivate me, but it also made me wipeout twice. I don't think the girls saw it which actually helped as my pride was playing a leading role this afternoon.


Finally, I reached it! A stunning beauty, 135 feet high! It took a few minutes before my squinting eyes could take it all in.

The falls were dazzling in the bright sunlight. The roar of the rushing water was terrific. It emitted a powerful spray that covered me in a fine mist. It left me refreshed and completely soaked through! Staring up in awe of this natural wonderful, I felt closer to heaven. I told Janine that I felt like I was staring into the face of God.
"I think God is more handsome than that," she smiled.
"That's true," I agreed. "But it's a wonderful glimpse!"
"Yes!" she nodded. "It's a glimpse."
After taking some photos, we sat down on a log, rehydrated ourselves with bottled water and snacked on juicy apples. Janine and Elena chatted and I disappeared into my own thoughts. I remembered the different times I had wanted to stop in the previous hour. It was clearly evident that every stride and grunt of that hike had been worth it! It would have been total foolishness to have stopped any sooner than I did. I had to get to the destination in order to realize that though. There is no way that I could have known that any sooner.


It occurred to me that there was a parallel between that challenge and the Christian's devotion to God. When our walk gets rough, the prospect of bailing becomes very tempting. We don't take that step of faith because we're not sure if God's going to meet us around the bend. We hold onto anger or unconfessed sin instead of going deeper in our relationship with Jesus Christ. We rationalize our actions in various ways:
- "I have salvation and that's really all that matters."
- "I go to church on Sundays. How more involved during the week do I really have to be?"
- "I am content where I am in my faith. There's no need to rock the boat."
- "I may still struggle with some sins, but I go to church, I tithe, I serve... I am a good enough person to be in control."
- "I love God and worship Him in my own way. I don't need to be apart of a fellowship."
- "I want to increase my devotion time, but I'm too busy."
We have all hit the breaks at some point in our journey either because we don't know the glory awaiting us around the bend or because we've caught a glimpse from a safe distance and think that it's enough to satisfy us. Sadder still, there are some that don't even get all that far on the path before the evil one talks them out of continuing.


The Bible says that God is able to do immeasurably more than we can even imagine. I don't know how I would feel if I were to someday find out all of the tremendous blessings that I have robbed from myself through a refusal to go deeper with God and live off of my excuses instead. God has described the blessings intended for us in His word. It is His invitation to go seeking after them, but we will not know how wonderful they are until we experience them! We won't know the extent of God's love or healing until we embrace it with our body, soul and mind. Paul was right. We must not cease in our efforts or abandon the race until we reach the finish line. Even a righteous man like Paul must have been overcome with awe when he finally saw his holy God sitting on His throne.


There certainly was a great application for me that afternoon. Don't slow down now. We must press on and go deeper. It may not seem worthwhile right now, but that's only because we don't know what we're missing out on!

"When I look at the galaxies on a clear night--when I look

at the incredible brilliance of creation, and think that this is

what God is like, then instead of feeling intimidated

and diminished by it, I am enlarged--

I rejoice that I am part of it."

~ Madeleine L'Engle